Perditus
by The Lilacgirl
Summary: When Maddie Hawke awakes from a life threatening head injury, she becomes lost and confused. It doesn't take long for Anders and Carver to figure out something is terribly wrong with her. Not only has Hawke lost her memory, but the one she does have isn't her own. Non-Cannon/ AU
1. Hellz Bellz

_Perditus  
>Chapter one:<em>

* * *

><p><em>This pain in my head is horrible. Oh damn, it hurts. It hurts really, really bad. It feels like someone took a bat to my head or maybe rolled a car over it a few times. What the hell did I do? I can't even remember what happened. Everything feels like a thick fog in my mind.<em>

_I think maybe I should try opening my eyes. Ugg, or maybe it would be better if I just lay here for a little while. _

_Yes... laying here would be best. I need to clear my head._

_Maybe I can will the pain away... _

_Uggg nope, that didn't help. _

_It's quiet at least, that's something. Where I am though? At home, maybe? This could be a problem, I'm not sure where home is or if I'm there or not. I guess looking would be helpful. _

_All I know is that I'm uncomfortable and something is poking me in the side, damn it, this bed is horrible. Who the hell could sleep on this?_

_Not me, that's for sure. And yet here I am all laying on it, not sleeping, with a head that feels like it's about to explode off my shoulders. This is crazy. What did I do to myself?_

_I think there was a sound just above me? Oh hell, what is it? I think my heart is going to pound out of my chest._

_ Did someone just sigh? _

_I swear... there was... Ah shit, I'm not alone in here. I should be alone, shouldn't I?... _

_Okay, this is a whole new level of creeping me out now. What should I do? Pretend to sleep? Maybe whoever it is will go away. _

_Okay, maybe I was just hearing things. It is quiet again. _

_Crap I just heard whoever it is move again._

_Oh shit, now there's a hand on my forehead, I'm being touched by a creepy hand! But it feels nice and cool, hmmm... the pain isn't as bad now, I like this hand._

_Wait... What am I thinking? Strange hands are bad, very bad. No strange hand on any parts of my body is good. No matter how much it reminds you of butterflies and fluffy kittens. _

_Gah, I swear I'm going to die of a heart attack if this keeps up. _

_Shoo, shoo, bad hands go away. Go touch yourself err... ewww, I did have to think of that didn't I? Dirty thoughts now stuck in my mind, and why can't I remember anything... ugh._

"Hawke, Can you hear me?"

_ Oh it's a man and he has a voice. Of course he does... I'm such an idiot sometimes._

_Is he talking to me? Hawke? What kind of name is Hawke? Stupid name really, either my parents really hate me or they were a few cards short of a full deck. Either way I can't stay like this forever. He's going to catch on sooner or later. Would much rather it be later... much later._

"I know you're awake, Hawke. How are you feeling?"

_How am I feeling, he asks. Gee, strange man how do you think I feel... I feel ...I... I don't know how I feel really. My thoughts are foggy, kind of thick like pea soup, I hate pea soup... it's really gross. _

_Maybe I should I try and open my eyes now, but they feel thick and crusty, like when you've slept too long and you get all that gunk in them. I should try anyways, it's not like I can stay here with him hovering like a creepy...creeper._

_Wherever I am, it's dimly lit, thank God. Although everything is blurry and that sucks cause whoever this man is, hovering over me looks like a big dark blob, and I can't see hardly anything. Turn a bloody light on... man._

"Hawke?"

"Uggg." _Well that didn't work very well, nice to know my voice is as good as the rest of me._

"I'll get you some water, stay here, don't get up."

_Oh! The blob man is on the move, now to get my ass out of here and go... somewhere, anywhere but here. _

_Trying to stand is more challenging then I first expected, and not a very good idea it seems. Now everything is spinning and my stomach... I think I'm losing my balance, I can't really tell... _

"AH!" _Shit. Face, meet floor._

_ Not one of my more shining moments, and now my head hurts again, even worse._

"Hawke, damn it, I said stay still."

_Well so much for that. Guess it looks like I'm not going anywhere. And blob man's arms are now wrapped around my waist, HEY, watch the boobs blobby man... _

_ All I can manage is a pain filled groan. Great, I can't even protest properly. I think he's pulling me back up onto the bed no... Cot? Well no wonder it's so damn uncomfortable. Well at least I'm sitting up now, kind of. _

_ Now if only I could get the room to stop spinning I would be set._

"Here, drink this, it will help clear your head."

_Oh, yes please, good blobby man. I feel like I just swallowed an entire pack of razors. I'd love to take the cup, if my damn hands would stop shaking, this is getting fucking ridiculous. _

_Ewww... the liquid is warm and tastes awful, but I really want to drink it all, why won't he let me?_

_Great, now I'm whimpering, oh how dignified of me. He's got some fetish with touching, he's rubbing my back now. You know what, I'm too sore to really care right now, and the comfort feels so good, I really don't want him to stop_.

"You need to take it slow Hawke, that was a nasty fall you took. You're really lucky to be alive."

_He sounds worried about me, well that's good. So I fell, huh... well that explains the headache then, and the feeling like every bone in my body is now made of mush. _

_Blobby is trying to gently push me back on the cot. Aww, Blobby I don't want to. But I'm really too tired to fight you on it. Hmm... I think there was something in that awful drink he gave me, you know what, still not caring, just too damn tired. _

"You rest, I'll go let the others know you're alright. I'll send Carver in after you've gotten some sleep, he's been a mad man since he heard."

_Mad man, that doesn't sound ominous at all. _

_All I can manage is a grunt and I feel the pull of sleep taking me over, sleep is good, sleep is my friend. Maybe I'll remember when I wake up, this confusion is too much. _

_Why is my body shivering, I'm not even cold, he's laying his hand on me again, on my shoulder this time._

"It's okay, Hawke, I'm here. I won't be far, if you need me just call and I'll come running."

_His voice is light and sweet, I could get used to such a sweet, sweet voice. Hmm, I think I said something, but I'm not sure, everything is too dark..._

***  
><em>Oh my god, who is yelling! Some of us are TRYING to sleep here. Someone was arguing and loudly. How dare they pull me out of my blissful sleep? Well at least my head isn't hurting as much now. This is a good thing, it's still too hard to think but... <em>

_Fuck, I still have no idea where I am or even who I am... You know, I think there was a movie about that once, too bad I can't remember what it was called...Shit! _

_Wow, they are really going at it out there. What in blue blazes..._

"You can't go in there Carver, she needs to rest."

"I don't care what you say magey, she's my sister and I'm going to see her, now get out of my way."

"Carver, you don't understand..."

"You're right, I don't I don't understand is how my sister could have gotten flung off a cliff, while you were standing right beside her!"

_Oh, someone sounds pissed. Are they fighting about me? Of course they are, who else would they be screaming about? It's not like there's another invalid on a very uncomfortable cot anywhere else around here, at least I don't think there is. _

_Did this guy not pay his electrical bill or something? What's with the darkness and the lanterns, geez. _

_What was that crash? Ah shit, the door slammed open._

_Oh look, there's the light, ah damn, that's bright, and who the hell! _

_WOW, big man... and he looks very pissed. I think I need to move NOW! I... can't move, gah, what the hell, why is everything so painfully sore? _

_Ah fuck, I'm falling back again... stupid cot...Ah... oh look, I'm on the floor... again. This is just a wonderful time I'm having isn't it, and when did I get so horribly clumsy?_

"Maddie, are you alright!"

Oh, ah! Big man is rushing at me, and touching me! Umm, big hands on my face! Touching of the face, he looks...

_Freaked out? Worried? Umm... I should maybe say something? What do you say to someone you don't know, that seems to know you and looks like he's about to cry? Or devour you whole._

"Hey..." Well, that was brilliant wasn't it. Oh so articulate of me.

"Hey?... Hey? That's all you've got to say? Mother has worried herself sick, I had to practically lock her up just to keep her from coming down to this shit hole."

"I...wha...Mother?" Oh great, now I'll have a whole family flocking to me, freaking me out, but this man... my brother?

_Shit he's handsome, I wouldn't mind... eww. Wha... Brother, brother he's my... Brother not handsome, not at all. Brothers have cooties and are slimy and gross... I just need to keep telling myself that._

"Maddie, what's wrong? I thought you said she was alright, MAGE!"

And we're back to the yelling, I'm not sure my heart or my head can take much more of all of this.

"She is... or was. Hawke, what's the last thing you remember?"

_Oh, it's him...Blobby. I can see him now, and he's, oh shit. He's ...wah ... I'm staring aren't I?... Of course, he's looking at me like I'm nuts. I feel like I'm going to lose it, this is all just too much_

_Oh great, now I'm going to cry... typical._

"Maddie? Whats wrong?"

Oh don't look at me like that, rawh... now I'm crying even more, stupid brother...

"Carver, could you give me a minute with your sister, please?"

"No! Why should I? Look what you did to her, my sister doesn't cry for no reason."

"Carver please, just a few minutes, let me check her over. She was hurt really bad. Perhaps I missed something."

"Fine, but I'm coming right back in if you don't come out and get me as soon as you're finished."

"I will, don't worry."

_I can barely hear them, I'm crying too hard, God, why can't I remember who these people are, and why am I in this place? If this is a dream, I just want to wake up now._

_I need to stop crying! _

_My headache is coming back again, this is insane. Watching the man who claims to be my brother leave the room, but if he was my brother, then why can't I remember him? I swear I've never seen him before. He looks so upset._

_Great, now he's staring at me, and I don't know him either... is there anyone I recognize in this God forsaken hell? _

_He shut the door, boy it's dim again. I'm not sure I like it so dark in here, but it makes the pounding it my head a little less, thankfully. _

_Things look clearer than before, not so blurry. Wow this room is small, just a cot, chest and table with the lamp. Wait, is that an oil lamp? Who uses an oil lamp now a days? I mean really. _

_At least I can see him a lot more clearly now, even with the light so dim. Hmm, he's coming closer and he looks really worried, great I must look a wreck._

_Hell...o! He's kneeling in front of me and taking my hands. Oh... his hands are warm, and I'm gawking, I know it...and, wow he has very sexy eyes. _

"Are you alright, Hawke?"

_I'm starting to wonder if this Hawke is more a nickname sort of deal? I mean... Hawke? What am I, some evil bird of prey that swoops down on people when they aren't looking? My umm brother, yeah... he called me Maddie, maybe that's...umm._

_He's staring at me, he's looking really, really good. I wonder if he's my brother too? Now that would suck, but he looks nothing like the other one. Carver... I need to remember that._

"Hawke... Are you alright? What's the last thing you remember?"

_Oh shit, he asked me a question, a good one too. I shake my head, unsure on how to respond, what do I tell him?_

"I... I don't know..." Okay, is it bad that my voice sounds strange to even me? I think it does... I'm so screwed.

"Do you remember the fight? Or the fall?"

"Fight?" Why the hell would I be fighting? And who the hell would I be fighting with?

"Yes, the bandits, they overwhelmed you and you fell."

"Bandits...I... fell?" He has to be bullshitting me, I mean really? But he looks... worried.

"I'm going to check you over, see if I missed anything, just lay back and relax."

Check me over? What is he, some kind of doctor? Ooh, a doctor, a very handsome doctor... who seems to have a feather fetish.

Ha, I've dated worse... wait... I've dated... Shit... there was something there, but it's gone now.

He's touching me again, his hands on my forehead they feel nice and warm and hmmm... he's frowning at me...he's...

"Holy shit!" Arehis hands glowing? They are, they're really glowing! I need to get out of here, NOW!

"Hawke, what's wrong? Hawke! Easy now, you're all right."

"Let go of me!" That came out screechier than I thought it would, buthe's got my wrists. I knew I shouldn't have let him touch me. Fuck, what the hell is going on? There's more crashing again, louder this time.

"Let go of my sister!"

OH! Brother, yes he'll help me... what was his name again? Oh right!

"Carver! Help."

"Carver no, stop! Somethings wrong with her."

"There's going to be something very wrong with you in about two seconds if you don't get your hands off her."

_I realized when I'm scared can I ever move, and I may not know who Carver is, but right about now he feels safer than mister glowing fingers. I'm up and in his arms in a heart beat but my legs still aren't working too well. I'm wobbling, this could be a problem._

"Carver, there's something wrong, she shouldn't be moving around. She needs..."

"What she needs is to go home with her family, and we'll take care of her. If you EVER come near her again, I swear I will kill you."

"That's a little harsh don't you think? Shouldn't that be up to her, not you?"

"Shut up! Let's go Maddie, Mother's worried sick about you."

_Geez, for someone who's worried about his sister, he's bloody rough. He's dragging me, staggering out of the room by my arm, that's going to bruise. I can hardly stand and the light, it's too bright. I can't focus and really it's not that bright in here at all, but my head feels strange and... This place is a dump, there's cots and sick people all over the place. What the hell or where the hell are we?_

_I have to stop. Everything is spinning, my so called Brother is huffing impatiently. Gee thanks for the concern, bro. Mister glowing hands is beside me, touching me again. What's with all the touching, I mean really... He looks so sad though, and hurt, puppy eyes... aww no puppy eyes please God, I can't handle this._

"Maddie please, you shouldn't go, not yet. Something is not right, let me help you. I would never hurt you. You know that."

"I SAID GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF MY SISTER!"

_Oh great and now all hell is breaking loose, what do I do! I don't want my brother to kill him. He wasn't being pervy or anything, he was trying to help. Oh I can't let him hurt him! He's going beat him to a pulp if I don't do something now._

"Carver stop! Leave him alone." Very bad idea...

_I need to remember next time a man three times my size goes to punch someone, don't stand behind him and grab his arm, yanking it. All I know is there was blinding pain, and crunching feeling in my face and someone screaming. Oh, that would be me. Shit, my nose is broken. Oh that is a hell of a lot of blood. My stomach starting to flip. I was going to be sick._

"Maddie! Look what you did, you big idiot."

"Me! You're the one that did all of this, if it wasn't for you..."

_Oh God, I have to close my eyes, everything is out of control. I'm on my knees, this is ridiculous. Blood is pouring from my nose and mister glowing hands is in front of me, pressing a cloth onto my nose. I can hardly breathe, there's blood in my mouth too and the tears streaking down my face are horrible. I'm going to be sick and I'm still dizzy. I don't want to pass out. Please lord, don't let me pass out... _

"It's okay Maddie, just breathe slowly through your mouth, let me stop the bleeding."

"Is she alright?"

"What do you think, Carver? She just woke up from a life threatening head injury to have her brother break her nose!"

"Hey, I didn't do it on purpose."

_I couldn't listen to it anymore, they sounded like a pair of old bittys. This was all too much. What am I suppose to be doing? What in the hell happened to me, and who are these crazy men?_

"Will you both just shut the hell up!"

"Shh...It's okay Mad..."

"No... no, it's not okay, Mister glowing fingers... all the touching and... glowing... and you, Carver, is it? I don't know who you are but if you're really my brother, I think I would want to cash in on a new one cause you're fucking crazy!"

_Oh great, now they are looking at me like I have two heads, of course, after everything that's happened I wouldn't be surprised if I do. Way to play it cool and calm._

"You don't know who we are?"

"No... I don't."

"What do you remember?"

"Waking up in there... that's all."

"Carver, help me get her back to bed... this isn't good."

"No shit, magey, is she going to be alright?"

"I don't know..."

_Oh great, I'm going back in the dark room again. When Carver tries to lift me, my head starts hurting worse, I mean, a lot worse. I'm such a big baby. I'm whimpering, at least he's being gentle this time as he laid me on the cot, and sat beside me on the floor, gently brushing my hair from my face._

"Carver, I need you to step out for just a moment."

"I'm staying with her, Anders, she's my sister. I... can't leave her like this."

"Okay, but you need to move when I ask, okay?"

"Ya, I won't be in your way."

_Well they can be civil when the chips are down it seems, good to know. I've never seen two people look so worried in my life. I would almost think I'm on death's door if I didn't know any better. He knelt beside me... what was the name Carver just called him?_

"Anders, is it?"

"Yeah, that's right, you don't remember me at all?"

"No...sorry."

"It's not your fault, you have nothing to be sorry about. Now lay back and let me take a look at you, I won't hurt you, okay. I promise."

_He sounds so sincere. Something deep down is telling me it's okay to trust him, so I guess I will for now. The glowing thing, that's not normal, I know it. I lay back but grab his hands. Mine are shaking, what do you say to someone whose hands glow? I mean really._

"It's okay, Maddie, I'm just going to check you over, then cast some minor healing magic to fix your nose, okay? It's nothing you can't do yourself, so don't worry."

_Magic? What! Okay, now I think he's on drugs. There's not such thing as... wow... okay, just because his hands glow doesn't mean he's going to hurt you, right? But my body seems to think otherwise, and I swear I'm going to shake right off this cot. _

"Maddie, Maddie, it's okay...relax. Would you rather be asleep for this? Maybe when you wake up, things will be more clear."

"You want to knock her out! Are you insane?"

"Carver, she's terrified. Normally I would be against it, but it will be easier for me to check her over."

_Sleep sounds good, maybe, I don't know. I just want this nightmare to be over. All I am able to do is nod and he smiles at me. This warm reassuring smile that melts my heart. Anders, huh, I'll need to remember that. He lays his warms hands on my head, there's a tingle, it doesn't hurt but everything is hazy and..._

* * *

><p><em>AN: Hello! This is the start of something I hope will be a weekly thing. I wrote this chapter over four months ago, and just now have had the nerve to post it with the plan on many more soon._

_I want to thank Jinx1983 for the beta work on this starter chapter. You are amazingly awesome my friend, and I appreciate all the stuff you do for me._


	2. You did what?

Perditus: Chapter 2

* * *

><p><em>At least when I woke up this time my headache is gone. I'm almost scared to open my eyes though, when I think of what happened last time. Well can't stop the inevitable, it's now or... now.<em>

_Crap, it's still pretty dark in here and I'm still not alone. Why does that not surprise me? It looks like it's the doctor with the feather fetish again, Anders? At least I can remember that much it seems. It's a nice name as far as names go, I guess. I think he's asleep though. From what I can see, he's laying on the floor with his back against the wall, doesn't look too comfortable, poor guy. _

_Is he snoring? _

_Ha, ha. Yep, I would say he's asleep. I almost wish I still was, but there is no way I could sleep now. I feel so damn stiff and very wide awake. I wonder how long I was out for this time? _

_I really don't know how anyone can sleep on a cot, I mean you would think they would make them more comfortable, with people having to sleep on them, make them softer or something anything. Trying to sit up is going to be tricky, even though my head isn't hurting anymore, I feel like I just got off one of the twirly things at the amusement parks. Damn, I'm really dizzy. I really must have hit my head awfully hard. Trying not to fall off the cot again is a chore in itself, at least I'm sitting up now._

_I wonder if I should I wake him? He looks so peaceful even in the low light of the lantern, it's chilly in here too. Maybe I should give him back his blanket? I feel bad, you would think a doctor would have more blankets and this one looks like a rat got a hold of it. Now that's a scary thought. I wonder if he has rats in here? All beady eyes and ratty whiskers and cute tiny little furry bodies... wait, I like rats. I don't know if I should be scared or relieved by this thought._

_I really should stretch my legs, but standing was a little rough, and my balance sucks balls... now there's a interesting turn of phrase. I'm starting to think I'm more than a little crazy, guess I will fit in well with Mister Feather Fetish, and brother Mc Bitchy. Well let's do this. Well at least it didn't take long before I was able to move without the world spinning too badly. Now to just gather the blanket and lay it carefully over him. He's really cute when he mumbles softly in his sleep._

_I'm starting to get the impression that it's safer to stick close to this guy. I mean he did go out of his way to make sure I was alright. Is it creepy that I'm watching him sleep? I think it is but what else am I going to watch? I'm going to go stir crazy if I don't get out and walk around; I'll just sneak away from him and try to open the door soundlessly as to not wake him. Well that seems to work. Thank God for small favors. I don't plan on going far but, I don't want to wake the poor guy either; he needs some sleep after everything I put him through. He looks half dead._

_Now that I have a moment lets survey this bigger room. It's just as dark out here as it was in the small room. What's with the lanterns? Most seem to be out, just a few are lit and turned down low. The room is empty at least, there's an old desk that has seen better days, even rattier cots then mine and a few shelves that seem to have bottles of stuff on them. The people that were here before are now gone it seems, I wouldn't be surprised if I scared them away. I wonder where my Brother is? Maybe he went home?_

_Well at least the room is big enough that I can stretch my legs at least. I want to try and walk around, but I still feeling a bit on the wobbly side. I wouldn't want to wander too far, with my luck I would get lost or mugged; most likely both. I wonder what time it is? There's no window in here either, only two big doors. Maybe this guy is a Vampire? Low lights, no windows, creepy place, I wonder if it would be bad if I snuck out the door and looked around. Maybe not, with my luck he is and the idea makes me want to laugh. I wonder if there's any windows on the other side of those big doors. My luck, an army of bums will fall upon me or something equally as outrageous. Oh I know, Zombies, undead thingys will chase me and try to eat my brains. I really think I'm losing my mind here, and this not knowing who I am is getting old really fast._

_Everything is so messed up, I swear I have no idea what to do with myself, all I can seem to do is just stand in the middle of this big shabby room that smells like mold and dead fish. I suppose a good start would be to wait till doctor glowing fingers wakes up. I guess, I really shouldn't call him that, even though the idea is funny and the look does suit him._

_So walking around an empty room is really not my idea of a good time. Oh lookie a desk! Perhaps I shouldn't snoop, but I'm really bloody bored. There are books and papers on the desk. Maybe there's something I can read to pass the time. Trying to sit on the corner of the desk is not as easy as it should be. I feel like utter shit, and my stomach is growling up a storm, damn! When was the last time I ate? _

_I need to keep my mind off how damn hungry I am, so I'll start to thumb through the papers on the desk. Normally this is something I would avoid doing. It is kind of rude and nosey, but really, what else is there to do but stare at the walls till the sun comes up. Whenever that may be. For all I know it could be mid afternoon and people are frolicking about outside. I doubt that though. I'm not about to risk the bum, zombie apocalypse to rain down on me just for a quick peek outside. _

"Manifesto, huh... well aren't we Mister fancy pants, can't keep a journal like the rest of the world." _Great now I'm mumbling to myself._

"Hawke?"

"Holy shit balls! Don't scare me like that!" _What the hell is he, a ninja? He startled me so bad I tipped off the side of the desk, arms flaying. Thankfully, is seems I've regained some for my balance. I didn't fall on the floor this time. _

"Sorry, Sorry! I didn't mean to... I was worried, I woke up and you were gone."

_He really does look worried doesn't he? How sweet. _

"I didn't mean to worry you, I just needed to stretch my legs some. I feel like I've been asleep for a week."

"Two days actually."

"Two... days?" _Now that's something. I've never slept that long in my life. At least I don't think I have, and how did I... I don't want to think about him seeing me naked. Oh god, I'm blushing aren't I?_

"Yes, I... shouldn't have casted that sleep spell on you. There was more damage than I thought at first. You were in there pretty deep, I wasn't sure you would wake up this time." _He's frowning and all worried looking and has big sad puppy eyes._

"Oh..." _Well that about sums up how I'm feeling right about now._

"You're alright though, do you remember anything now?"

"About the same as last time I saw you."

"Really?"

"No, I'm lying, I just wanted to lull you into a false sense of security." _He looks taken aback by my witty retort, I thought it was quite clever myself._

"Oh... uhh... I've never heard you be sarcastic before, sounds strange coming from you."

"Strange, I've always found I'm full of sarcasm and wistfulness."_ I smirk at him hoping to ease the tension, but he still looks very confused. Maybe I'm worse at it then I thought._

"If that's true, it was before I met you. The Hawke I know is a bit of a hard-ass and wouldn't know humour if it jumped out and bit her."

"Really?"

"Yeah, if I didn't know you, I would think you were someone other than a complete and utter prig."

_What was I going to say to that? And what the hell is a prig? Maybe I don't want to know. I didn't think memory loss came with a personality change, then again, I've never met anyone who's lost their memory before, maybe it's normal._

"Oh..." _He's looking at me strange again; I don't overly care for that look. Oh! he's moving in to stand in front of me, a little too close for my liking to be honest, but what was I going to do, the man saved my life, and part of me kind of likes it. He is very good looking after all. Who wouldn't want a very sexy doctor inches from your face.?_

_I can feel the heat coming off him in waves, damn he's hot, in more ways than one, I might add. I shouldn't be thinking those things, not now at least, not until... I need... distraction. Ha, I grab a piece of paper off the desk and held it out in front of him._

"What's this?" _Yikes, from this change in expression, he looked like a dog that had been beaten with a newspaper for peeing on the floor._

"It's my Manifesto, well some of it anyways." _He's looking really uncomfortable with the change of topic, damn, I wish I hadn't brought it up now._

"Can't just write a book eh? Kind of fancy don't you think?" _I'm trying really hard to be light hearted about this, but the way he's looking at me, it's like he's in pain. Oh great._ "I didn't mean... I'm sorry, I was just making conversation."

"It's alright Hawke, it's not that just..."

"Just?"

"You always hated when I talked about it. You told me last time I mentioned it, you threatened me and told me to never to speak to you about it again, very loudly and with quite a few threats. I'm just not used to you being... like this."

"Well that's rude of me, why would I do something like that? I may not remember who I am, but I know basic manners. That's just plain rude." _Awww, he's smiling at me, he's got a really nice smile, he should do it more often._

"I think I like this new you better, you seem so much more open."

"Well if I'm like you say I am, I'm a real bitch." _I'm trying to be funny about it and he's laughing so it must be working. I like this guy, now that he's not all doom and gloom, and touching my boobs. Well not the way he did. I can think of many luscious things he could do with my... and there goes my mind in the gutter again, you think I would learn._

"You could say that, of course if anyone else had said it you would likely fire ball their asses for it."

_Strange metaphor but okay. When I smile at him and he beams back at me, being around him feels easy, I like it. I'll need to make a note to hang around him more. Maybe he could show me around, since I'm clueless and all._

"So Manifesto huh, what's it about?" _Best way to get to know the man behind the magic fingers I figure. His eyes lit up like a kid at Christmas, geez doesn't anyone talk to this poor guy._

"It's about the plight all Mages face because of the Templar and the Chantry."

"Mages? As in Wizards and Witches?" _Okay maybe this guy is crazy after all, maybe that's why I told him off before. Now he's looking at me strangely._

"Kind of... Hawke, are you telling me you don't know what a Mage is?"

"Of course I know what a Mage is and I also know they aren't real." _Now he's really looking at me like I'm an oddball, and like I'm the crazy one. Hey, I'm not the one acting like I'm Harry Potter._

"Maddie, Mages are very real."

"O..kay..."

"How do you think I healed you?"

_Well... He has a point there; he did get all glowing and did that thing with his hands. Of course, I thought I dreamed that at first. _"So for my own sanity, let's say I believe you. Why is it you think you are being wronged because you're a Mage." _The look in his eyes softened it almost looked like pity. Great, now he's feeling sorry for me._

"Maddie, you're a Mage too."

_Did my heart just stop? I think it did. Did he just say I was a_ "Wah?"

"You're a..."

"No, no I heard what you said... How?"

"How what? How did you become a Mage?"

_All I could manage to do was nod, although my mind started to wander and I wonder if I could cast magic? OH! Can I turn people into toads? Do they maybe go to school and learn all kind of magicy things... Now I sound like a lunatic._

"Hawke? Are you listening?"

"Huh? Oh! Sorry I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the you're a Mage thing... Are you sure?"

"Yes... very sure," _He's frowning now, I much rather like the smiling cause when he looks worried I feel worried and God, this could be so very, very bad._

"So... do you have to go to school to learn magic?"_ That seemed like a good place to start._

"In a way, I guess. We are born with magic."_ His voice sounded weary now; maybe he doesn't believe I don't remember? I would give anything right about now to remember anything._

"So I was born this way?" _Oh, good song, what am I thinking... I really need a good smack upside the head sometimes._

"Yes, but you don't start showing signs till you're around five or six some younger or older. I heard of one Mage that didn't come into his powers till he was eighteen. The Templars just cut him down, said he was too old to start training, that he was too much of a danger to himself and to others."

"Wait, what... they killed him because he was a teenager when he came into his powers?"

"Yes, it's what the bastards do."

"WHAT! That's crazy! Whose bat shit idea is that, take a life for that?" _He seemed surprised by my outburst, but really, are these people insane just killing someone for that; it's bullshit. He grabbed my hand and held it. The way he's looking at me like he's panicked, almost scared. I'll admit he's scaring me a little. His hands are nice and warm though, like they were the last time. I didn't realize how cold it was in here, that's why I'm shivering yes... sound like a good excuse._

"Somethings different, I know you don't remember anything Hawke, but... somethings not right."

"Well the fact that I don't remember anything is a pretty big factor into the somethings not right."

"It's not just that, the Hawke I know, she wouldn't have reacted like this... She agreed that all Mages needed to be watched. That the Templars were necessary, and that the Circle was too lenient on Mages. The Hawke I know would have agreed that the boy was a risk and should die."

"This is nuts, okay... I know I don't remember you or my Brother or whoever, but I know enough that what you're telling me is wrong." _What he was saying really hit a chord with me. I don't know why, but this can't be right. "So what you're saying is, they lock people up because they can use magic?" he nodded, oh and that right pissed me off._

"What the hell, what is wrong with the people here?" _I tried to pull my hand away from his, but he held on, as if letting go would change my mind. His eyes looked desperate, almost hopeful. _"So what you're telling me is that because you... we can do magic we have to be locked away?"

"Yes, children are torn away from their families and locked away to learn to use their magic, with the Templars watching over them."

"This is crazy, What... why...?" _I'm a lot angrier then I really should be about this, but even though I don't know my ass from a hole in the ground right now and this man is making me sound like I'm a monster. Something about this is just so wrong, a mix of what he's telling me and what I can't remember. I feel like I want to punch something. And now he's smiling at me again, I don't see what there is to smile about, someone should do something about this. It's just not right._ "What are you smiling at?"

"I like this new you, I hope if you get your memory back, you'll keep this part."

"If I really am like how you described, I don't think I want my memories back, how can you stand being around me?" _I don't really mean that, I hate not remembering. I just don't see how I could think what he was telling me was right. Something just seemed wrong about the whole thing._

"I don't want you to think that you've been completely unreasonable Hawke. It's just... we rarely seen eye to eye in the short time I've known you."

"How long have you known me?"

"Three months now, you came looking for maps I had of the Deep Roads."

"Deep Roads? Sounds like really bad porn."

"Porn?"

"You can't tell me you don't know what porn is?" He so has to be playing me on this one, I don't think there is a man alive that doesn't know what porn is.

"Sorry no, is it some sort of food?"

_I barked out a laugh at the thought. I startled him and he dropped his hold on my hands, I had forgotten he was holding it. I had to bite back the laughter, it looked like I was scaring the poor man,_ "I didn't mean to... No it's not a type of food, although I've heard of food being used in porn. It's just not my sort of thing."

"I don't think I want to know."

"Maybe not, did you live a sheltered life or something? I never heard of anyone who hasn't heard of porn."_ I think I hit a sore spot with that; he looked away, shifting himself, facing away from me slightly. I feel bad now; I didn't mean to make him uncomfortable._

"I was raised in the Circle of Magi in Ferleden more or less; I escaped seven times before becoming a Grey Warden."

"Was it really that bad?"

"Worse..."

"Fuck me."

"W... What?"

"Oh... umm not literally, uh, it's a figure of speech." _Leave it to me to make an awkward moment even more awkward._

"Ah, I see."

"So... mages"

"Yep, magic and everything,"

"Kinky."

_He laughed, I like his laugh, it's cute and I can't help but smile at him. I feel like a school girl with her first crush, but he's comfortable to be around. I really can't help it with everything that has happened the last few days it seems._

"Come on Hawke, lets get you back to bed, it will be morning in a few hours. It wouldn't hurt for you to get some more rest. We'll talk more about this in the morning."

_I'm kind of surprised that I am feeling a bit tired, not sure if I can sleep, but he's holding out his hand for me and giving me that godly sexy grin. How can a girl say no to that? Of course, what I have in mind doesn't involve sleeping, Gah... I feel like such a slut, with these dirty, dirty thoughts racing through my head._

"Okay, but where are you going to sleep? I feel bad taking your be..cot."_ I really need to ask him, why he sleeps in the god awful place. He's a doctor, they make ass-loads of money. _

"I'll sleep on the floor, don't worry about me. I just feel better keeping an eye on you for a few more days. It could be dangerous being a Mage who doesn't remember how to use her powers."

_Huh, well he has a point there. I don't even know how to cast a spell. What if I start shooting lightning at people, or turning them into small furry beasties. That wouldn't be good. _

"Alright, but if I'm here with you for a few days, we need to figure out more comfortable sleeping arrangements. Your cot is horrible." _He's laughing at that, I can't get enough of that laugh. I swear it's like a drug. I can see myself having fun with him._

"Fair enough, I'll see what I can do for you."

"Sounds good to me, lead the way, my friend."

* * *

><p>AN: WOW! I want to thank everyone for the mass amount of alerts and favorites on this, it's been overwhelming and made me blush! Thank you, and thank you to those who have reviewed. I love to hear your thoughts on the story. This update is a little early because tomorrow is a busy day, and I wouldn't have time to update. I would love to hear from you all and I hope you continue to enjoy this little story.

Also BIG HUGE MEGA Thank you to my dearest sweet sister, and best friend Jinx1983 for doing the Beta work on this chapter, thank you so much sweetie for your help. *hugs*


	3. Who let the dog in?

_I feel like there's a trend happening here. It felt like I had just closed my eyes but when I wake up yet again... damn, I'm on the cot still. Funny how this seems to be happening to me. Well not really, I am far from laughing. This time I at least know what to expect, I think anyways. When I open my eyes I'm alone, but the door is open slightly. Sitting up isn't as bad and I feel a little more steady on my feet now, thank god. This isn't nearly as painful or as pitiful as it was, and my brain doesn't feel like mush. This is good. Clear mind, not so stiff body, I can work with this. _

_Perditus: Chapter 3_

* * *

><p><em>Peeking out the door makes me I feel like a creeper, creeping around. I don't want to spook anyone. Maybe if I try to quietly poke my head out the door; and the room is still empty. Of course. Some doctor he is. He has no patients, no reception lady, not even a damn clock, and of course I have no idea what time it is either. Uggg, my stomach is growling again, I really need to eat before I start chewing off body parts. I wonder if he has any snacks stashed around this hovel? <em>

_Well before my cannibal instincts kick in, I better start snooping for some of the doc's... oh speaking of. Anders is there and I can't help but smile. He's at his desk, all hunched over and writing... with a quill? What the... okay, so he can't afford to pay for his power or for pens. What happened, did I die and wake up in the 1500's or something? I mean really, first thing I'm going to do when I remember who I am is buy this poor guy some pens and hook up his power, all these oil laps are a bloody fire hazard. _

_I realize that I'm staring and I shouldn't stare, it's rude but he looks so engrossed in what he's writing I don't want to disturb him. So maybe I'll just watch for a little... I think... maybe... Ah shit, bored now, I can't do this. _

"Anders?" _I don't want to laugh, but seeing him flail and almost fall out of his chair had it's amusing moment._

"Hawke! You're awake."

"Yes, that tends to happens after sleeping for an insane amount of time." _I'm trying to be cheerful and chuckle, he grins at me and my heart melts. I really must stop fawning over a man I know nothing about. It really can't be healthy, and makes me feel like a incredible slut._

"Did you sleep well?"

"Well enough, although you really need to invest in a real bed. How do you sleep on that thing?"

"It's all I need, I don't mind it." _He shrugs, but looks really uncomfortable talking about it. I seem to be really good at making this poor guy uncomfortable. Was I really that much of a bitch before? I really need to make it up to him, I can't help but feel bad even though I can't remember. _

_Oh... Ahh... I just realized I need to pee really, really badly... you want to talk awkward; how do you ask a really good looking guy where the bathroom is? And in a place like this, the real question is do I try and hold it, and wander around till I find it, or do I ask him? Ah shit, this really sucks, I'll do what I do best try not to look awkward and pray I don't pee my pants._

_Speaking of pants what the hell am I wearing! It looks like I stitched together a cow and made it into some kind of I don't know what, and the shirt, it's... for fuck sakes, my boobs are going to fall out of this thing! Not only am I a bitch, I have no fashion sense what so ever it seems. I don't think I ever really did come to think of it but I don't know, and am I still staring at my boobs aren't I? Why do they not feel like mine? Would it look weird if I touched them just to make sure? Yeah... I suppose it would seeing he's staring at me._

"Is everything okay Hawke? You look..."

"Fine, fine I'm fine really, best ever. I could do whatever it is I do, and be perfectly happy with whatever..." _Wow, wasn't that something special. Guess I'm just a special kind of girl, and now he's, laughing at me. _

_Wonderful, way to go me. I suppose laughing is better then looking at me like I've lost my mind. Cause that's what it feels like right about now, my mind gone_ _poof right out the window. If there was a window. I wonder why there's no windows?_

"Are you sure you're alright? You look really uncomfortable."

"Yep, I feel fantastic! Really, it's fine." _Why can't I just ask the guy where the bathroom is? I mean, if I've been unconscious for so long, I'm sure he's seen... I really don't want to think about what he's seen. The more I put this off the harder it's going to be. Of course I can't do anything easy nooo, heaven forbid. _

"Hawke... you look like a five year old doing a pee, pee dance."

_Well at least he's trying not to laugh, but it's written all over his face. I really don't know what's worse, the embarrassment of him noticing or the fact that I'm that noticeable._ "I... uhh, well isn't this awkward..."

"It's alright Hawke, really you don't need to hide it." _He's chuckling, and I'm not sure what to think right now other then completely dying of embarrassment. _

"Alright, alright... you win. Where's your bathroom?"

"Bathroom?" _There he goes looking at me like I've grown another head, at this rate people can stop calling me Hawke and start calling me Hydra._

"You know, the bathroom, the room with the toilet and all that fun... stuff."

"Toilet?... You sound like an Orlisan."

_Oh, he's not smiling anymore, he looks confused? Concerned? I don't even know but I don't think I like the way he's looking at m... Yikes, he's walking over and ... Wait did his eyes just turn blue? Kind of creepy, kind of cool. Oh wow, his hand is cupping my cheek and it's so warm, and feels so... Mmm, his hand is glowing like before, funny that it's not so scary now that I've seen him at work so to speak, and that it feels so amazing. Like summer, and flowers, and chocolate. There goes my stomach again, after I use the bathroom I really need too beg him for something to eat._

"Is everything okay there Doc?" _I can't help but lean into his touch, it just feels so damn good. I try smiling cause that look he is giving me is really kind of freaking me out. _

_Is he blushing? Aww, that's so cute, but short lived as he pulls his hand away from my cheek. Now I feel kind of cold, I really could use those hands on me all the time. Focus damn it._

"I'm sorry, I didn't need to touch, I shouldn't have... you're fine, it's just..."

"Just what?"

"You seem not only different Hawke, you act and talk strange, like you're a completely different person."

"Well, I have lost my memory, wouldn't that make a difference on how I act?"

"Not like this, not in a way that is completely strange. You know things... and not things that you would know."

"That... makes no sense what so ever Anders..."

"I know, I know, but... maybe it's just me, I just don't know."

"Well that's not very reassuring, you know you're in trouble when your doctor tells you he doesn't know whats wrong."

_I can tell he's forcing a smile, but I would much rather have a forced smile then the way he was looking at me before. It looked almost like he would kill me if he didn't like whatever it was he was looking for._

"Sooo, about that bathroom, unless you think wetting my pants is good for my health?" _Ahh, sarcasm how I have missed you... I think._

"Right, sorry, the privy, over there behind the curtains, I'll uhh, will leave you too it then."

_Strange, I watch him as he walks back to his desk and continued to write as if I wasn't even there. People around here are very weird I swear. So I peek at this 'bathroom behind curtain' and I use that term very loosely._

"Oh... lovely." _I peek around the thin off-white sheet, a pot sat in the corner, a small table with a basin of water upon it, what looks like a lump of soap or a really funky paper rock thing, and some linen clothes folded beside it._

"You got to be kidding me..." _yes, I'm mumbling to myself, but who the hell wouldn't. I mean what the hell is up with all this medieval stuff. I really don't want to use that thing, I mean how many people have used it before me... Never mind, I really don't want to know. If I don't use it then, yeah, lets not go there._

_After this traumatising bathroom event, I peeked around the sheet to see Anders still hunched over his paper work, writing away. He must really like what he's writing, he looks so engrossed in it maybe I should read it. Although I'm really not much into reading... I think, this is so tiresome._

"Anders, Can I..."

_I swear to god someone is trying to scare me to death. I can't even open my mouth, and someone starts pounding on the big door. Even Anders leaped up out of his chair as if we were under attack or something. Our eyes met briefly. He raised his hand at me and I'm taking it as a stay there cause I sure as hell am not going to answer that door. Hell I'm not even sure if I want him to answer it, but he does slowly make his way over as another loud round of banging._

"OPEN THE DAMN DOOR, MAGE!" T_he voice was muffled but there was no mistaking the voice. And I see Anders completely relax thankfully._

"Damn it Carver..." _Oh, he curses too, isn't that all sexy, but at least it's no evil mage eaters come to steal us away this time. You know since I'm a mage too and all, the thought is so funny to me, I'm trying hard not to laugh as he opens the door to my so called Brother._

_I swear I wanted to scream, I really did but when Doctor McDreamy opened the door all I could see was a blur of fur and teeth coming right at me. _

_I thought for sure I was a dead woman. And then next thing I know I am screaming and my whole body started to vibrate again. There was a feeling, a rush of power almost like electricity. You know when you touch something plastic and you get that shock that hurts like hell, well sort of like that. There was screaming, and yelping. A strange snapping, almost a zapping sound. A shit ton of shouting and lights flashing._

_I really wasn't sure what was happening at first, but I do know I was petrified and curled my ass up into a ball on the dirt floor. Not very clean I know but better then being eating by a big furry monster blur._

_There's growling and snarling, and hand on my back. I hear my name being called, but it's not my name it sounds wrong. Maddie, Hawke they both feel so wrong nothing here is right. I feel like I'm spiraling out of control. _

"What the hell is wrong with that dog! Get him out of here Carver, before he kills her."

"Kills her? She damn well almost killed all of us, what the hell is going on? My sister hasn't had a slip of magic like that since she was ten!"

"I don't think it's her."

"What's that suppose to mean not her? Who else could it be, it came from her?"

_Anders didn't answer, I think it's him that has his hands pressed on my back, but I'm to scared too look and see. Attacked by a dog, I love dogs, why would a dog attack me like that? Maybe the other me was mean to the dog? I have no idea, but I can hear it's low growl and Carver yelling at it to shut up._

"Hawke? It's okay, you need to relax, nothing is going to hurt you alright? You're leaking magic like crazy, you need to get a handle on your fear."

_Leaking magic? Gah, that sounds very gross, I mean how does one 'leak' magic? The thought of leaking anything was disgusting. My breathing is shaky but the electric feeling was fading. Anders is rubbing my back again like the first time, he's really good at that._

"There we go, it's alright. Can you sit up? Are you hurt?"

_I'm not sure if I want to even move but he's pulling on my arm and I just kind of go with it. Small sparks of, is that lightning jumping down my arms and hand? I'm not feeling so good anymore. This is so not normal and so not right in any way._

"I'm okay, I think..."

"I can check if you're unsure."

"No, please I think I've had enough glowing and sparking body parts for now. I'm alright," _I try sitting up on my knees and I can see Carver looking at me like I'm the one that attacked the dog. And the dog, is looking at me like I'm a really good steak. I will admit though it's a pretty dog, even if he did try and eat my face._

"What the hell is going on? What did you do to her?"

"I didn't DO anything to her Carver, she just woke up."

"Hello! I'm right here, you can talk to me you know." _I really hate it when people treat me like I don't exist. Beyond annoying I tell you. _

"Well then why don't you tell me what in the Void is going on!"

"Void? Really? As in big empty space?"

"Hawke?"

"What in the... Void? I mean who says that."

"Quiet a few people say it, you say it a lot actually."

"You're so full of shit I have never heard of that, Hell yes, Void... pfft."

"Hell?"

"You know Hell, big fire pit where nasty beasts run ramped eating people and things..."

"The Deep Roads?"

"There you go with the porn again."

"Porn? Dammit Anders, you broke my sister didn't you!"

_Okay, so I'm starting to think I'm the one who's broken. Of all things, who argues about something like this. Apparently I do... just call me the Queen of Rambles. The dog stopped growling at least, but he's still staring at me. It's kind of freaky and I really don't like the way Carver has him by the scruff. _

"Let him go Carver."

"What? Are you insane?"

"Most likely, seems to be the general consensus at this point."

"I'm not letting him go, he tried to kill you."

"Well he is my dog isn't he?"

"Yes, but..."

"Just let the dog go, if he tries to hurt me then... I dunno tackle him or something."

"Tackle him? You really are daft in the head today."

"Bite me!"

"I won't have too he will do it for me."

"What are you five? Man up Bucko, and let the dog go."

"Bucko? You know what fine, but don't expect me to pry him off your throat this time!"

"Brotherly love, I can feel it just flowing off you. How sweet," _I am not amused, he's being a dick and I can be a real bitch if I want to be._

"You're being stupid Maddie, he just tried to kill you."

"He's right Hawke, just let him take the dog home and you can see him another day..."

"He doesn't seem to want to kill me now does he?" _If anything the dog looked_ _confused, turning his head left, then right as we argued, he's so very adorable. Did I mention I like dogs? _"You won't hurt me will you boy, you're a good dog, you were just confused weren't you? What a good boy!"

"Yes, praise the fool dog for trying to kill you, smart move Sister. And since when have you even liked the beast, all you ever did before was complained of how bad he smells, and how he wouldn't stop following you."

"I like dogs..."

"No you don't."

"Yes, I do..."

"Since when?"

"Since always."

"That's bullshit Maddie, you always hated dogs ever since you were bitten when you were nine, you nearly lost two of your fingers. If Father hadn't been there you likely would have. The only reason you even tolerate Mutt is because he imprinted on you and you had no choice. You even tried to leave him behind when we were running from the blight. If Mother hadn't forced you, you likely would have."

_It felt like the blood drained from my face, and it's not that I don't believe Carver, I really do. Looking at my fingers on my right hand there are two very old faded scars, they could be bite marks, the one looked pretty mangled. This really bothers me... It's just, I don't remember any of that, I don't remember being bitten as a kid, I don't remember running from anything called a blight, and I know for a fact that I couldn't leave anyone to die especially my own dog. I really am speechless. I can feel them staring at me and all I can do is stare at the dog who is now sitting in front of me looking at me with those big brown eyes. I want to pet him, but I will admit I'm kind of scared too. He did just try and rip my face off, so I guess there's only one thing I can do._

"I'm sorry I've been such a bitch to you, I promise I won't be like that ever again." _Yes... I'm talking to a dog, what else can I do? Everyone keeps looking at me and the dog is in my face, it seemed like a good idea._

_But the dog keeps staring into my eyes, and I think I should look away but I can't cause I don't want to show weakness. Why that is I'm not sure, it does seem to work cause the dog seems to have relaxed and whines at me. Poor boy, he looks so unhappy. The dog nudges my cheek with his nose, what a big softy. It's so cute. I'm still shaking a little but I'm guessing all is forgotten. This is one smart dog, so I scratch him behind his ear and his little stubby tail starts wagging a mile a minute. The dog leans into me and I'm smiling. For such a big brutish looking dog he's so sweet._

"Well shit, that's a first. I've never seen him act like that before."

"See I like dogs."

"Now I know you did something to my Sister."

"I didn't do anything to her, Hawke tell him ."

"He didn't do anything but bewitch me with that killer smile and dreamy brown eyes of his."

"Maker, Hawke you're not helping!" _He's blushing again, and I think I can really have fun with this._

_I think I pissed little Brother off more then I should have but it's kind of funny to see him all flustered._

"Makers balls, I've had about enough of this, I don't know what you're playing at Maddie but I'm finished. Mother made me bring food for you both, she thinks the mage needs thanks for saving your life."

"Oh food!"_ I sound like a half staved stray, and there goes my stomach again as if I haven't been embarrassed enough and it's only morning._

"That was very nice of her. Thank Leandra for me would you Carver?"

_Anders take a bag that Carver was holding and starts pulling out all kinds of goodies, bread and what looks like muffins and other stuff I don't know what they are but they smell fucking fantastic. Anders hands me some dry bread and I think this is the first time I have ever thought of bread as the best meal in the world._

"Don't over do it Hawke, you need to eat slowly. It's been a few days since you've eaten anything. It wouldn't be much help if you threw it back up."

_How sweet is that, all worried about me. All I can do is nod in response cause I now have bread crammed into my mouth and Carver shakes his head at me but doesn't say anything. Lucky for him I would hate to have to spit my bread at him. The dog is staring at me like he's half starved too. He licks his lips and of course, me being me, sneaks him some bread and Carver scoffs at that too. I wish I knew what his problem was, I mean one moment he's all 'Oooh protective Brother' and the next he acts like I'm a pain in the ass he wishes he could be rid of._

_Anders was quietly picking at his third muffin, damn and here I thought I was packing away the food. I'm pretty much full after half a loaf of bread. I guess not eating for a few days does that. I watch him and he watches me and Carver rolls his eyes at both of us and this is really becoming awkward in a way that I'm not sure what to do. Anders despaired for a moment getting us both some wooden cups with the grossest tasting warm water I have ever had. It was worse then the first stuff he gave me the first time I woke up._

_I ended up splitting up most my food with the dog even though every time I did Carver acted like it was a crime against his Mother... our Mother's cooking. But the dog was happy and I think I won him over cause he's falling asleep at my feet, such a cute puppy such a bad name though. Why was I such a evil person? This feels so wrong, I feel really lost at the moment. _

_Now that our meal is over we have all made our way to a more open area of the room to let our food settle. Anders sat on the corner of his desk letting me sit on the chair, if you want to call it sitting. It was more like leaning lopsided. Carver just looked pissed off, I wonder if he always looks that way? I will start calling him Mister Grumpy Pants or something geez. This silence is killing me and I have no clue if I should be doing something other than just sitting here._

"Soooo, what now?"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Holy Maker! Thank you all so very much for the mass amount of Alerts, Favourites and Reviews on this story you all know how to make a girl blush! Dang, I know I said Mondays/ Tuesdays were the update days. But with such a mass amount of people liking this I thought I would post this chapter early. I love the feedback and love hearing from you all. You humble me and I hope you all continue to enjoy Maddies crazy life as she fumbles her way through it. As you all have noticed, this is an AU so as she go through Hawkes life things will be the same and yet very, very different. Thank you all so much.**

**Also I would like to thank my uber smexy husband falllenagelz for doing the Beta work on this chapter, and pushing me to post it early. Also to Jinx1983 for being there, and betaing when needed and being an uber kickass chick. ;)**


	4. And You Are?

_Perditus: Chapter 4_

* * *

><p><em>All they seem to do is argue and it reminds me of parents fighting over who gets the child on a weekend or something, it's like I'm not even here. I'm starting to feel like some prize that's to be won. If they don't stop soon, I'm just going to take a long walk off a short peer.<em>

"She can't go back home with you Carver, she doesn't even know who you are."

"She doesn't know who you are either. What gives you the right to keep her here, she's my sister."

"I'm not trying to keep her here, I want to help protect her right now. This is the safest place till we can figure out what to do next."

"I'm sure our Mother would be grateful for your thoughtfulness Mage; how much longer do you think it will be before she comes looking? What am I suppose to tell her?"

"Tell her the truth," _How much more plain can it be than that, I mean why hide me from the woman?_

"And tell her what Maddie? That you've gone right off your rocker?"

"No, tell her that when I fell, I lost my memory and that Anders is trying to figure out how to help me." _Obviously._

"Oh yes, I'm sure that will make her worry less. Wonderful plan, Sister."

"If it were my child, Carver, I would want to know, it's not right hiding the truth from her. If it were you instead of me, I would tell her."

"Well it isn't me, is it? It's just like you to have something like this happen and make me have to clean up the mess."

"What mess? Damn it Carver, there's no mess, just me and my scrambled brains."

"That's the mess isn't it? Big Sister not being careful, almost getting herself killed and ruining everything."

"How the fuck am I ruining anything? You're not making any sense, Carver."

"Oh right, of course you don't even remember that, do you? The expedition into the Deep Roads? The months of scrapping every dime, doing every low life job we can just to afford to go. Any of this ring a bell."

"Not even a little, what is it with you people and this place? Deep Roads, Deep Throat, Debbie Does Everything. I mean you are talking gibberish. I need some substance here, man!"

"Who's Debbie? And why is she doing everything?"

_Of all things he ask it's that... _"Never mind, it's not important,"_ I wish I could wake up from this nightmare, I swear. _

"What about the others, Carver? What do you plan on telling them?" _Oh Anders, I almost forgot was here. Wait what?_

"Others? There are others? I don't like the sound of the others." _Oh, lovely there's more people to come gawk at me now._

"Shit, I never even thought of that..." _Great, now Carver looks worried. This bloody sucks._

"They have all come by while she was unconscious but they can't be put off forever. How long do you think they will wait?" _Well hopefully forever Anders, I really don't want to deal with more people._

"How about, not any longer..." _Who the Hell? Anders really shouldn't leave his door open, as three other people walk in and..._

"Holy mother of tits," _And here I thought mine were hanging out, watching this woman walk... no, swagger through the door, made my eyes almost pop out of my head, and those boobs. I don't want to say I'm jealous cause mine are no small thing, but damn that woman has some coconuts on her._

"There's our girl, you don't look as bad as Carver said." _And she bounces when she talks ... awkward, I should stop staring but they are just there and at eye level and everything._

"Oh great, just what we need," _Carver looks pissed but they seem friendly enough to me... is that Dwarf and a... I think I've died and woke up in a really bad version of Lord of the Rings. _

"You alright kitten? You look a little green around the gills." _Kitten... these people really have things for animals don't they._

"I don't know Isabela, she looks very pink to me." _Is that an elf? No, they are tall. She just so very tiny, and I don't have a clue what I'm talking about. The boob girl is close, too close, Ah, she's hugging me and ... uggg, someone please wake me up because this dream is quickly becoming a nightmare._

"Isabela, I wouldn't do that she's not... well." _Thanks for the articulate update, Anders._

"She looks fine to me? And feels fantastic" _And she's touching again. Ugggg._

"Eeek" _Great, I'm squeaking, why the hell not. I want to pry her hands off me. This is not comfortable, not even a little. _ "Uhh, Miss? As much as I umm, appreciate the gesture I... could you please stop touching." _All I'm able to do is squirm and of course she does the opposite of let go, fuck this is just crazy, can we go back to where I am unconscious? That would be great._

"Miss? How adorable, whatever you did Anders, I like it." _She's smiling? I swear I'm going to cry. Not that there's anything wrong with women hugging me, I mean she's a very sexy woman and everything but... why couldn't one of the men be all grabby. This would be my luck wouldn't it._

"Isabela really, she doesn't remember you, or any of us for that matter." _You tell her Anders, and yet she still clings._

"Oh poor thing!" _Okay, I really, really did not want my face crushed into her boobs. I think she's doing this on purpose now. Oh god, I'm drowning in a sea of skin and tits and can't breath._

"Rivani let her go, can't you see you're freaking her out." _Oh thank you, tiny dwarf man._

"You're no fun," _the woman let go of me. Oh yes, breathing it's good and I will now move away from the big breasted pirate chick. Let's just very casually slide up beside Anders, well maybe not so casual, but I think after what just happened nothing could be considered at this point._

"Hawke? Is everything alright?" _Oh, the little man is addressing me._

"You're a Dwarf..." _This is why I should never open my mouth, crap like this just flies out._

"Yes, and so were my parents, but don't tell them that."

"Really?" _Shut up, shut up, shut up! When did I become so dense and rude?_

"She really doesn't remember anything does she?" _Thanks for nodding in my defense, Anders._

"Am I that transparent?"

"Just a whole lot." _Oh, a funny Dwarf, let's everyone have a laugh at the crazy girl._

"There's more to it then that, and we need to keep it quiet till I can figure out how to fix it." _Now it's my turn to look concerned at Anders._

"So, I'm broken?" _Gee that didn't sound pathetic at all._

"I didn't mean it like that."

"It sure sounds like you did, all 'I need to figure out is how to fix it.'"

"Hawke, no I didn't mean... what I meant was..." _Aww, now he looks all pouty_

"No, no, it's fine. It's alright. I'll just sit here an be broken, so you can poke and prod at me till I'm all bitchy again."

"I like the sound of that, Kitten, you can count me in on the poking and prodding."

"I... Your boobs scare the hell out of me..."

"I don't recall you complaining about them last week, in fact, you said they were you're most favorite thing about me." _I cannot wrap my head around this conversation. This is crazy. They are all crazy... hell I'm crazy. Just lock us all away in pretty white jackets and be done with._

"I think we should just take her to the Hanged Man and get her drunk, that may shake out the memory thing." _Ooh I could go for a stiff drink, or ten. Not sure how comfortable I am with the idea of getting drunk around Mrs. Giant Boobs, but I do like her idea. _

_They are staring at me as if I have all the answers, now what am I suppose to do? I don't even know who these people are. I just want to go crawl into a real bed, with real pillows and a big fluffy blanket and never come out again. Of course I can't, can I... oh no, heaven forbid._

"Why are you all staring at me? I'm the one with the broken brain."

"She's right, I think she should stay here with me. It's dangerous for her to be wandering around Kirkwall like this." _Oh, I like that idea too, sexy doctor man._

"Like this? You're the reason my Sister can't remember in the first place," _boy that Brother of mine can really be mellow-dramatic._

"Now, now, little Hawke. I was there, it wasn't Blondie's fault, he tried to help her. There was just too many of them."

"Little Hawke? Blondie? What is this some sort of 80's band..."

"Whats an 80's band?" _Great they are all staring at me again. I've confused the whole lot of them with my awesomeness._

"Never mind..."_ I want to get out of here, I need to get away from all this, but I doubt I'll get far without being tackled or something. I think Anders can tell I'm struggling, he's got my arm and he's pulling me away from the others while they argue. He's looking at me with such pity, gah I hate that, not that I can blame him._

"What do you want to do, Hawke?"

"I don't know, really. I have no clue what to do... I mean, I don't even know who these people are... and my 'Mother'. I can't even wrap my head around it, maybe I should go see her, maybe seeing other family will help?"

"Maybe, I just don't think it's safe, not yet anyways. What if something happens and you start to leak magic again, or you lose control near a Templar? Then what, you would be dead before you knew what was happening."

"Dead... I don't care for the sounds of that... ugg, okay, you're right. I think, I dunno... shoot me now!" _Just when I think things can't get any worse. I really don't want to be stuck in here though._ "Maybe... just for today, shed some light on this for me, help me understand? Although, I'm starting to feel like this is a lost cause."

"You're not a lost cause Hawke, we'll figure it out, okay. Don't worry."

"Easy for you to say, your brain isn't scrambled."

"I wouldn't say that, but we'll fix this don't worry, alright?" _I swear I want to kiss him right here and now, and I feel like I can almost believe him. Almost. _

_After a quick introduction and a heated argument with Carver, who finally gave in once I agreed to at least go see our Mother tomorrow, I was able to finally start remembering everyone's names instead of using Little Dwarf Man, Mrs. Pirate Boobs and Should Be Taller Elf. All this happened in the mist of people that slowly trickled in to see Anders. I tell ya, watching the man work was impressive. I wonder if he could teach me how to heal like he does. I think it would be nice to help instead of following him like a lost puppy. Oh, and speaking of lost puppy, my dog loves me! Well I think he does, he's been stuck to my side ever since. This seems to annoy Anders, he started mumbling something about being a cat person. I like cats, but I would take a dog any day. I now have a better understanding of why he lives in the slums. He's like one of those doctors without borders types. Working pro-bono and I commend him for that, really I do._

_It seemed like forever, but I guess it was only a few hours, cause Anders decided he would close up the clinic for the rest of the day, unless there was an emergency or something. I dunno, everything was a blur up to that point, all the blood, and ewwness. I tried really hard not to think much about it._

"So, Isabela?" _Way to be subtle! Guess I should just take the bull by the horns._

"What about her?_"_

"Her and I... I mean... She and me... I mean... ugg, damn it. We aren't... together, are we?"

"Oh! Well, I don't know, I don't think so. I knew you two were getting close, but I don't think, umm maybe you should ask her yourself."

"I don't know if it would be good for my health to be that close to those boobs again, I mean they already tried to kill me once before."

_I love his laugh, makes me all warm, fuzzy and full of smiles. _"I'm sure you can handle them Hawke, I know you two are good friends, more or less. Anymore than that, I don't know for sure." _Is that a hint of jealousy in those gorgeous honey colored eyes? I think it is!_

"What about Varric?"

"No, definitely nothing there, you two are just good friends."

"No, no, I didn't mean it like that... but it's good to know about the friends part. And Merrill? She seems... young."

"Don't let her fool you Hawke, she's dangerous. She's a bloodmage and they are dangerous. Making deals with demons, for vast amounts of power."

"D-Demons? I.. ugg, I don't think I want to know, but that cute little thing, she's like a child."

"She's not and you do need to know about demons, all mages do."

"Great..."

"Also, there's Fenris..."

"A Wolf?"

"What?"

"Fenris, it means wolf... nevermind."

"The names suits him, he's a beast."

"Well that sounds promising, and he's..."

"And asshole of an Elf, who hates mages,"

"Now tell me how you really feel about him..."

"I mean it Hawke, he's a monster who would rather see all mages dead or enslaved."

"And he's my friend, why?"

"I don't know, you've been helping him since you've met him. He seems well enough, but I wouldn't trust him. He'll turn on you just because of how you were born."

"Lovely... Anyone else I should know about?" _My world for a pen and paper. Or I guess a quill and parchment._

"Aveline, she's the Captain of the guard. She fled Ferelden with you during the blight, I guess you could say you are good friends, even though you don't see eye to eye most days."

"Huh, well that's a lot of people to get to know. Maybe I'll just stay here with you and hide out for the rest of my life."

_He chuckled at that, but didn't say anything about it, and he wants me to try and cast something, anything and I have no clue how. To be honest, the whole idea kind of freaks me out._

"Just relax Hawke, don't try so hard. You're all tense and that's not helping."

"Wouldn't you be, I mean come on Anders, I feel foolish..." _I'm sitting here in his chair, waving my hands around, and nothing's happening. Not a spark or a glowy hand thingy, nothing. _

"Well we know your magic works, I seen that first hand. Maybe you just need a push?"

_Great now he wants to push me, fantastic! If feeding me to a dog is what makes my magic work, I'd hate to see what he has in mind for a push. He's taking my hand, damn, how are his hands always so warm? I feel like a half frozen popsicle right about now. He has that concerned look on his face again, and I have this urge to throw myself at him. Damn it! What is up with me and my hormones... someone set them on overdrive or something? I feel like I'm going to hump any man with two legs. _

"Your hands are really cold."

"Yeah, well yours aren't."_ Gee lets not sound too slutty now._

"I... uh, do you need a blanket or something?"

"Only if you're inside of it." _What the hell am I saying! If I could kick myself I would. Since when have I been so forward? He doesn't seem offended at least._

"I... as much as I would love the offer, I really would, but it's not a good idea, Hawke."

_And shot down, of course. Could you really call it being shot down? I'm not even sure if I meant to flirt with him, but I guess I did. It's a little depressing._

"I'm sorry. It's okay, I understand, really. I don't know what's gotten into me,"

"It's alright, I just don't want you to think I'm not flattered, I am really and maybe once, it could have happened, just now, it's not a good idea."

"Ah, it's not you, it's me, I've heard that one before."

"Maddie, look there's just a lot of things that make this a very bad idea. First you don't even know who you are, and the Hawke I knew, wouldn't even give me the time of day, let alone flirt or anything else."

"Well, I don't know what drugs I was on then, but I tell you, I was blind not to see what a catch you are." _Ugg, shut up mouth... it's like it has a mind of it's own, I swear. At least I made him smile, like really smile, that smile is additive._

"I... uhh, thanks, I mean it, but it's not just that. There are things about me you don't know. Well you did, but not now and it would be a very bad idea even if you had your memory intact."

"I see."

"I'll tell you, I promise just, let's sort this stuff out with you first. Right now, as you are, everything is a danger, not only to you, but everyone around you. An untrained mage can be very dangerous."

"Will you teach me?" _I feel like such an ass right now, I had no right even flirting with the man and here I made him feel worse by having to shoot me down. Way to go me._

"Of course, you just need to be careful, at least until you have some sense of control. Like I said before, if you lose control near a Templar, they won't think twice to cut you down. I don't want to see that happen to you."

"I dunno, it seemed like your life would be easier without me being a pain in your ass."

"No, you may have been hard to swallow sometimes, but I would never want to see you hurt. Even more so now."

"Why am I so different Anders? I don't get it. I'm trying to understand, but everything you tell me, it just feels so wrong to me. The horrible way I treated you, that's not me. I know it isn't deep down, I'm not like that. I don't understand." _Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry... Damn it!_

"Shh, it's alright, I don't know why this happened or why you're so different but we'll figure it out together, okay? I promise, we will figure this out. And if you never get your memory back, then I will help you figure out who you are now, okay?"

_I look like an overgrown baby sobbing like this, but I can't help myself. He's trying so hard and he's so kind to me, and even with all these people who say they are my friends, I feel so alone and I don't want to be alone. With him, I don't feel alone. I just want a hug, but I can't hug him because he shot me down and I can't stop rambling like a fool and why is this happening? That uncomfortable feeling of electricity is back and he's squeezing my hand a little. Great, now he looks like he's about to cry. Even my dog is whining._

"There, can you feel that Hawke? You've got it. That's your magic, now I know it's hard, but try and control it."

_Ooh, so that's it? Well that stopped me from balling at least, I'm trying to hold onto the feeling. It's so powerful, like a rush of energy. I can feel the hair on my arms and the back of my neck stand on end. This is so cool! But it's really hard to control, it fades then rushes forward, Fuck.. I'm trying to stop it but... _

"OUCH! Shit, Hawke. That hurt!"

_A little spark of lightning shot out of my fingers, jumped across my palms, and into his hands. He yanked back his hand, holding it to his chest. Poor guy, I didn't mean to._

"Sorry! I'm so, so sorry. I didn't know how.. I didn't mean.." _Great now he's laughing at me. Wonderful! Thanks for that._

"It's okay, you did well. It could have been much worse. Although, this is twice now, you've defaulted to lightning for protection."

"Is that bad?"

"No, not at all, just strange."

"Strange? You gotta give me more than that Anders, I'm confused enough by all this."

"Oh no, sorry. It's just that your default has never been lightning, not since I've known you, anyways. Normally you're force or healing magic. I've hardly ever seen you use lightning." _I'm not liking the change of tone or look that he's giving me now. I swear, the man had blue fire flickering in his eyes. Maybe I should be more scared of him than I am. _

"Anders? Is everything alright?"

_He's taking deep breaths now. Great, I'm causing the man to have panic attacks, lovely. He's pinching the bridge of his nose, he looks upset, but I don't know why I can feel the magic or what ever it is around him. Is this what he meant by leaking magic? Not as bad as I was though. Oh wow, his voice is different. Kind of wow, I wonder if I can do that?_

"Give me your hand, I want to try something."

_I almost don't think I should, but if I can't trust him, who can I trust at this point? I don't think I can even trust myself. But I let him take my hand again and he's staring at me in a way that makes me very, very uncomfortable. _

"I'm going to cast a spell, it won't hurt, but I want you to feel it and try and copy it, alright?"

"Copy it?"

"Just focus on how it feels, and use the energy inside you to try and mirror what I'm doing, understand?"

"I'll try."

_His hands, the feeling... damn, he's warm and kind and fuck me... I have no idea what he's casting, but it's almost euphoric, I just want to sit here and let it wash over me. His hands glow such a pretty shade of blue. I'll just relax, I can feel the power around me, it's not electric like before but calming, easy almost._

"That's it Hawke. Now pull at the magic and copy what you feel."_ I can feel his breath against my cheek and oh God, I try not to close my eyes, just stare into his._

_He makes it sound so easy, and it almost is. I can feel his heart beat in mine and... oh, man! I've never felt so connected before. This is amazing, truly freaky and amazing. Did Anders just groan? His eyes are shut. Is it bad I find this completely arousing? I just want to rip his clothes off right here and now. But then gasps, and yanks his hand away from mine. _

_His look is harsh and weary. I did something wrong, didn't I? Like magically violated him, I just know it. I should say sorry, but just the way he looks at me. His eyes are now completely blue and magic is crackling around him. My dog is snarling and pressed against my legs. I want to run, but I'm in the chair and what the hell is happening?_

"A-Anders... what's wrong? Whatever I did, I'm sorry." _Ouch! He just grabbed my arm hard and yanked me out of the chair. Fuck! I never realized how strong he was until he pulled me to him. "Anders! What..."_

"You are not Hawke. What kind of abomination are you?"

_Oh fuck..._

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: I'm late! A day late, and I'm sorry but I have a good excuse, it was my Birthday yesterday and didn't have time to post. I want to thank all the new alerts and reviews. Thank you so much! I'm still so very shocked how many people enjoy this story, and I really hope I can keep you entertained. I would like to give big time thank you too my awesome betas Jinx1983 you my dear are awesome, and I love you so very much without you I would have quit long ago. Falllenangelz you have been so supportive of me through all of my writing. Thank you so much. And to **_**ArcturasB**** you my dear have made my writing coherent and I am so happy to have you as my beta.**


	5. Broken Hearts and Broken Bones

_I'm really getting tired of being scared all the fucking time, and you would think I would be petrified right now as I dangle off the floor, as Anders holds me up by the neck and glares at me with those very scary blue eyes. I mean don't get me wrong, I'm scared shitless, and I think I'm about to get my head torn off but surprisingly I feel in control of myself for once._

"Anders! Stop! Put me down!" _I can't breath, gasping isn't good, I like breathing a lot. The edge's of my eyesight are starting to blur, and I'm flailing like a fish out of water. It feels like my eyes balls are going to pop right out of my head. All I can hear is Mutt, barking like mad, and the rush of my heartbeat in my ears. _

"Mutt, don't... sit,s-sit!"

_Part of me wants the dog to attack, but it's a misunderstanding right? He thinks I'm something I'm not, at least I hope that's what it is. Nice to know that even my dog ignores my commands. He may not have sat, but at least he's stopped growling and is just glaring at Anders. Well at least there's no bloodshed... yet._

"What are you?"

_Wow... now I don't even recognize his voice at all now...and he calls me a demon! Flying fuck sticks, I think his wires are crossed here. I'm not the one glowing, with super human strength, and sounding like Darth Vader on an acid trip._

_Okay, now we have crossed the threshold of absolutely petrified here. Struggling is not helping at all, and it's getting even harder to breath._

"Anders... please, I'm not a d-demon. It's me Hawke, Maddie, whoever. Let go!" _I choked, I don't even know if he can hear me, all I hear is the rush of blood in my ears._

_Now the next time I say let me go, I need to be more specific. Can.. You.. Say.. OUCH! He just let go of me. Just like that. I'm not a cat, and I should not try to land on my feet. I hear a snap, the pain in my leg is horrendous._

_Shit, that's just great I think my ankle is broken. He's staring down at me but not moving. My dog is all mister protective now, standing between me and Anders, growling like a chain saw. Well my dog has my back at least and they are just glaring at each other. _

_I would find the whole thing funny if I didn't feel like I was going to faint from the pain, and all I want to do is get my ass away from Bi Polar, Psychopathic, Bitch, but this hurts way to much. The room is spinning and I can't focus, I am such a wuss. When all else fails sob like a little girl, and it seems to work. I'm not dead yet, Mutt has stopped growling; I can hear him suck in a breath but I can't even look at him so I just sit on the dirt floor staring at his boots._

"Hawke?"

_His voice sounds strange still, like an echo down a long empty hallway, I try and respond but my throat hurts like a son of a bitch, and my ankle is throbbing like hell. When I try to move the pain is unbearable. All I want to do is wake up from this nightmare. It's not a nightmare though. I realize this, but so very badly wish it was. But this is all too real. Far, far too real to be a nightmare. My throat burns with every breath and I can't even cry properly, I sound like a choking mouse, wheezing with every breath, but the tears still come freely. Well at least my eyeballs are not broken. I hear the sound of his clothes shifting as he knelt in front of me, his hands are warm on my cheek, and even though I'm still scared senseless I let him touch me. My mind is a jumble, I can't even process what just happened; I can feel his hand trembling on my cheek._

"Maddie, look at me."

_His voice is shaky, but it sounds normal again, no more of that booming echo crap but I'm to scared to look at him. He nudges my chin with his fingers, and as much as I don't want to look I do anyways. I mean whats the worst that could happen right?_

_I heard a sharp intake of breath, and I can't help myself at this point, I look up at him. Anders has tears in his eyes, the bastard just tried to kill me and now he's all remorseful looking? I should be angry, but I feel numb, all I can do is stare into those brown eyes of his._

"I'm so sorry Maddie, I didn't mean to... I could have killed you."

"Yes, you could have," _I sound like Kermit the Frog, great. I hope my voice doesn't stay like that._

"I know, and I didn't mean... Justice, he thought..."

"I'm not a demon."

"I know, Justice knows now, you didn't fight back, and you didn't turn. If you were a demon you would have."

"Just... stop, Anders please, I can't do this right now."

_All of this is just insane, now he's saying what he tried to do to me was some sort of justice? I feel like I'm Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz and instead of landing in Oz and landed in -Let's see how quickly we can kill her, and drive her insaneville.- I swear if I see a Munchkin, Hobbit or Umpa Lumpa I am going to fling myself off the nearest bridge. As I try and stand the pain shot through my leg making me cry out in agony, oh ya, how did I manage to forget about that?_

"What's wrong? Where does it hurt?"

_Where doesn't it hurt? What a stupid question and sobbing seems to be all I can do, and that makes my throat worse. Great now I'm all tears and snot, I just point at my ankle and hope he figures it out on his own. Thankfully he understood without me having to speak, and slowly tried to remove my boot in turn making me scream this raspy dying frog noise. Not like I know what a dying frog sounds like, but I think that's what it would sound like._

"Sorry Hawke, but I need to see it."

_I can see his jaw clench and unclench as he tugged at my very stubborn boot, I think my ankle is too swollen and before I can slap his hand away he yanks it, and I mean really yanks it hard. This time I don't just cry out, I hull off and punch him square in the mouth, he yelped and fell back on his ass holding his mouth staring at me with a shocked expression. What can I say, it hurt. Even though I didn't mean to hit him, I feel pretty smug when he pulls his hand away, and a small trickle of blood rolled down his lip. That's what he gets for hurting me again._

"I guess I deserved that."

_I wanted to say something, but instead I just nod. He really does deserve more then that, but right now I don't care. I just want him to fix what he's done. Next thing I know he's pulling a small dagger from his belt, but before I could react he began to cut away at the boot. Why didn't he just do that the first time instead of trying to rip my foot off my leg. I sit quietly watching him gently pull what was left of the ratty boot off. Now he's being gentle of course, for a doctor you would think he would be smarter when it comes to handling injured people. I feel my stomach roll, the bone of my ankle is poking against the skin but not quite broken through. My foot is swollen, making my toes look almost like little stubs. _

"Shit..."

_He can say that again, I grunt because that's all I'm able to do at this point, and just the sight alone made me want to upchuck my food. Very lightly Anders slid his hands up my ankle, hands glowing blue. He looked just deep in thought and the pain seemed to ease slightly._

"This is going to hurt Maddie, I need to set the bone before I can mend it."

_Great, this is just great, more pain, like I need more of it. I try not to whimper but it doesn't work, his sad brown eyes looking at me pleading. Without a word he reached out his fingers softly grazing my throat. I shiver as the touch is painful and feels nice at the same time, but I have to fight to convince my brain not to recoil. I can see he's trying to fix his mistake, and as much as he doesn't deserve forgiveness, I can't help but feel slightly bad. On top of that I would much rather be whole again. _

_I can't see his hands, but I can feel the magic where I couldn't before or at least didn't realize that's what I was feeling. The burning in my throat eased some, and swallowing doesn't hurt as much. Then without a word he takes hold of my ankle an starts yanking and pushing on the bones, I can truly say I have never felt pain like this before. Or at least that I can remember. I'm screaming, boy am I ever screaming like a bloody banshee. Poor Mutt is laying his head on my lap whimpering, and I'm trying with every bit left in me not to pass out, but it looks like I'm losing that fight. _

_It's over fast at least, and the pain in now a dull throb. The swelling is down a lot and I can wiggle my toes some and I'm happy with the lack of pain. Anders makes this strange grunt sound and stands, holding his hand out for me to take._

"You'll need to be easy on it, magic can only do so much. It's healed, but it will still ache for a few days."

_Of course now he sounds like a doctor. I take his hand and let him pull me up. I should not feel like this, the man did tried to kill me a few moments ago, why the hell would I feel bad for him? This makes no sense at all, but I do ... feel bad for him, it's like he doesn't know what to do with himself, it's like he's just as confused and lost as I am... What the fuck am I thinking?_

"How does it feel?"

"Sore... but better,"

_My voice still sounds a little rough but it doesn't hurt as bad, my ankle aches and I feel lopsided with only one boot. He nodded as if satisfied with my answer then slowly helped me over to a nearby cot. The dirt floor felt odd between my toes, I guess I don't own socks. It feels kind of gross and I try very hard not to think about it because, eww. I don't want to know what has been on this floor that my bare foot is now touching. I ease myself on to the cot and realize my face is now perfectly level with his... Oh god, I'm staring, look away, look away! Damn it._

"Uhh, Hawke?"

_Caught in the act. I can feel my face is on fire, I must look like a complete tool. Be cool, just pretend I wasn't just staring like an idiot as his crotch, but he's staring down at me wide eyed and my face burns even more. I feel so pervy, I really didn't mean to... I mean it was just there, and my eyes just... forget it._

"Uhh, I... think I need a new shoe,"

_Smooth move there girlie, that wasn't completely obvious or anything._

"Riiight, yes, I have, something I think. Stay there I'll be back."

_And just like that he's gone, well not gone, just fumbling around in his little room. I realize my day has hardly even started and I've been attacked by a dog, who is now staring at me adoringly. And the man who said he would protect me tried to chock me to death. There has to be a rabbit hole somewhere around here, that is the only thing I can think of this side of crazy. On top of everything else no matter how hard I try, I cannot even fathom who I am or where I'm from or well, anything. I know the name they call me sounds... wrong, very wrong and I feel like my body isn't right, like clothes that don't fit right. You would think I would remember something, anything. _

_Turning to Mutt I tried to whisper, _"I think I'm losing my mind boy."

_I swear the dog knows what I'm saying, as he tilts his head and whimpers. He is a really handsome dog, I've never seen anything like him before, well I must have since he's my dog but I just don't remember. The big brown beast scooches over to me and sits at my side resting his massive head on my knee, staring up at me with his huge brown eyes. What can I say, my heart melts and I scratch behind his ear. Such a sweet dog when he isn't trying to kill me._

"Here we go Hawke," I watch as he rushes out of his room, a pair of worn, large black boots in hand, "They maybe a bit big, but they'll do till we can get you a new pair."

He looks flush as he bends down gently, taking my bare foot and wipes away the loose dirt. Mutt snorts in protest but doesn't move from my side, as cute as it is that he wants to dress me I feel like a five year old who never learned how to put on a shoe.

"Anders, I can put my own shoes on, you don't have to..."

"Of course, sorry... I just thought, I mean..."

I try to smile and take the boot from him, I can't help but think that we should really talk about what just happened with the glowing and the voice and the trying to murder me. All that unnecessary choking and braking of bones. I just don't know how to bring it up, I mean I should, really I should... aw hell.

"So Anders, is that something you always do? You know, glow and chock the life out of your friends?" Oh I am so not very smooth. He's not flush anymore, more like pale grey. Very, very pale. Way to go me, just make things even worse.

"No, it's not that, it's... Justice thought; I forgot you don't remember."

"Umm, pardon my ignorance but what you did there, it was the opposite of justice," _Justice my ass, how could he even think that was any kind of justice... I didn't even do anything._

"Ah, no, it's hard to explain. Justice is a spirit that I took inside of me, he changed me and sometimes... I can't always control my emotions and he comes out."

"And here I thought I was a lunatic." _What have I gotten myself into, I mean really now. _"So what you're telling me is that you're possessed by a ghost?"

"No, a spirit from the fade."

"The... fade?"

"Yes, it's where we go when we dream, it's the place where spirits and demons live."

"I see..."

"Look I know it doesn't make sence to you right now, you just have to trust me."

"Trust me says the man who just tried to kill me, then blames it on the ghost living inside of him."

"Maddie, I'm sorry, he thought... we thought you were a demon."

"But I'm not..."

"I know that now, but you aren't Maddie either."

"How the hell am I not me? And how would you know, if I've lost my memory?"

"I don't know, yet... and it's been everything. You don't act like Hawke, nothing you do or say is anything like her at all. You're sweet and kind, and the Hawke I knew was brash and rude, and would never blink an eye to do or say something completely heinous if it suited her own agenda. You're not like that, in the short time you've been here there's something, not right about you."

"Not right? Wow, so you're saying I'm screwed up? Lovely."

"No, I didn't mean it like that, you're different. Even your magic, it feels strange, like someone I've just met for the first time. Then the way you talk, the things you say."

"So that made you think I was a demon? Is that what demons do? I mean, I don't feel all evil and demonish..."

"Not... really, I mean most demons that possess a mage, they have an agenda and sometimes, when they first take over a host they are confused, but they don't act like this... at least not that I've ever seen."

"So... if I'm not a demon, what am I?"

"Yes mage, if she is not an abomination then what is it?"

_The voice came from behind me and startled the holy hell out of me. I really need to do a better job at paying mind to my surroundings because everyone and their mother seems to be able to scare the living shit out of me. This was a new voice though, deep and husky, and I would say sexy if it didn't sound so utterly pissed off. I was going to turn and look but the way Anders expression went from concerned healer to seething hate in a split second makes me think maybe looking wasn't the best idea. I watched Anders stand and cross his arms tight at his chest, and I can almost feel the power flowing off him again like it did before he attack me. This can't be good, I hear what sounds like scraping metal from behind me and panic starts to bubble up inside me again. _

"What are you doing here Fenris?"

* * *

><p>AN: Wow it's been awhile hasn't it. I am sorry for such a long wait and for those faithfully following this story I thank you for being awesome. I will do my best not to fall behind anymore, with the holidays and some major personal issues that seem to have been sorted out. I'm hoping I will now be on track again.

Thank you all so much for the alerts, I was amazed and delighted to see them even after such a long pause. All the reviews and PM make me happy, I absolutely love hearing from everyone. I will likely be updating every two weeks, I found weekly a little to much for me to handle, but we shall see. Thank you all again, you are all so wonderful.


	6. Wolfman and Tomfoolery

_Fenris. Fen-r-is... I remember... it means wolf? No... that's Fenrir... yes, wait, maybe, uggg. Please don't tell me there's a big ass furry behind me, I don't think I could handle a dog-man. Wait, didn't Anders say something about one of my 'friends' with that name? An elf I think. Hmm, I can't seem to get Legolas out of my head, long flowing blond hair, handsome yet beautiful. What the hell am I thinking, and he doesn't sound anything like that adorable little girl elf I met earlier..._

"I'm here to see if what Carver told me about Hawke was correct, but it seems to be more than that. So... Hawke is an abomination like you now?"

_His voice sounds cold and dangerous, who the hell isn't dangerous in the god forsaken place? I guess this elf really isn't as cute and sweet as the other one. Well might as well get this over with. How many more death threats can one person get in a day? Maybe I should start keeping score._

_As I turn slowly on the cot, he is much closer then I first thought and boy... he's taller then the other elf too, and handsome, with very striking white hair. It really suits him. And he's tattooed too? At least, I think they are tattoo's. Maybe scars but they look very ethereal and... glowing ... really, does everyone glow around here? I wonder if I glow? I mean, it's a cool affect, but when people get upset here they seem to illuminate. I guess it would be handy if you were stuck in a dark room or cave. Anders is looking more and more pissed off that he's here, and he doesn't seem to like this guy very much. _

"I am not an abomination Fenris, and neither is Hawke... at least I don't think she is."

_Gee Anders thanks for the vote of confidence, and wolfie elf here doesn't seem too convinced at all. He stares at me like he's going to devour me. I will admit there's something sinister and appealing about those green eyes of his. I almost get the impression I like dangerous men, although I can't seem to tell because, oh I don't know, every one I've met here so far is insanely attractive._

"What do you have to say about this... Hawke?"

"Umm, I'm not a demon?"

"And I'm just suppose to believe that?"_ I guess that's not what he wanted to hear, because now he's pointing a big ass sword in my face._

"If you kill Hawke and she's not a demon you know you'll regret it Fenris."

"Do not presume to tell me how I will feel about anything abomination! You know nothing of how my actions will effect me!" _Gee yell much?_

_I thought he was just going to jab me in the face with that thing. I've never seen anyone with such expressive eyes before. He let the tip of his sword drop down to the dirt floor and when he spoke he never took his eyes off mine, it was eerie yet I couldn't look away. There was something strangely familiar about them, but I could not place it._

"What is wrong with her?"

_Here we go again. That's okay people... or not people, don't ask me, the person you're talking about. I'm not really here, just keep on talking amongst yourselves._

"I don't know, but she's not a demon, that much I do know."

"Blood magic...?"

_Now that's just eww, what kind of magic uses blood... I don't think I want to know. All I can think of is virgin sacrifices, and goats..._

"No, Hawke was never a blood mage you know that, and this doesn't feel like Blood magic."

_The elf sheathed his big ass sword... Oh wow, now that really sounded dirty didn't it... I think my brain is really... never mind. He put away his 'huge'... sword and knelt down in front of me. His big green eyes made him look so sad as he stared at me. I wanted to say something but I didn't know what, so I just sat there staring. I guess my lack of reaction satisfied him to some degree because he just sighed and stood up._

"What are you going to do with her?" _As he spoke, he sounded very somber about it. _

"What do you mean do with me? No ones doing anything with me..." _I can't help but feel offended here, why doesn't anyone want to talk to me? Anders seems to be the only one who treats me like I'm still a person, and not some lost child._

"I didn't mean it like that Hawke, it's just that you can't very well go wandering the streets like this."

"Why can't I?"

"Fenris is right Hawke, it's too dangerous right now, you'll stay here with me till we figure this out."

"I am not staying here, no fucking way..."

_Apparently Fernis thought that was funny, I heard him chuckle, but I don't know what he found so funny about all this. I find none of this funny at all, what would he think if he couldn't remember who he was or where he was._

"Hawke..."

"A-And-ders..." _Okay, maybe that's childish but_ _I can be like that too, if he wants to be all scolding and condescending, I'm not a helpless child, I wish they would stop treating me like one._

"Hawke, I am sorry for what I did, but I still think it is safer if you stay here."

"And what exactly was it that you did mage?" _Oh that made wolf man tense, maybe I can get him to see my side of this? _

"Oh nothing much, just tried to choke the life out of me and broke my leg," _Sticking out my boot that was three sizes to large for my foot. I think I made a mistake as Anders looked like I just kicked him. And the elf looks like he's going to kill Anders._

"HE DID WHAT!"

_Oh big surprise... more yelling, I think these people need some serious anger management or something, they are both starting to glow now and I have this random thought of them sitting on top of a Christmas tree. This is becoming ridiculous. I've had enough of all of this. The yelling, the death threats. My ankle still aches and these boots are way to big. I'll just go on my own, I don't give a shit face. They didn't even notice that I was marching my ass out the door, let them rip each other a part, I really don't care at this point. Mutt is at my heels, so at least I'm not going alone. I don't know where I'm going, or even how to get there, I just need to get away from all of this madness. I thought the smell of Anders place was bad, out here was even worse, like moldy food and shit with a hint of the sea, very gross. _

_There are people ever where, it's like hobo central. Men, Women and Children, even Elves huddled together in homemade shacks all over the the place, and it looked like those were the lucky ones. For the most part they just ignored me, but some of them stared at me with this intense fear like I would attack them at any second. The worst were the kids, skinny little things with big sad eyes, half starved, begging for food or coin, it was heartbreaking. This was no way for people to live, where the hell is this place and how did I manage... maybe there was an apocalypse and I just don't remember when it happened? Or how it happened._

"Hawke?"

_Oh a new voice, another elf... I don't know this one either, well I don't know any of them really. He's looking at me strange, damn they have such big eyes, like aliens from those old movies. I don't know if it's disturbing or attractive. His short black hair reminded me of a ravens, so dark with a hint of blue. Mutt nudged my leg with his nose, I don't know what to say._

"Hi... you..." _Epic fail right there, I think I'm just better of if I don't speak._

"It's Tomwise... Are you alright Hawke?"

"Mmmhmm." _Not quiet the words I was looking for but hey not much else I can say. What kind of oddball name is Tomwise, was his parents hoping he was going top grow up wise or something? I guess it's better then calling him Tomthumb, or Tomfoolery, but really now almost everyone has had freaky ass names here. Wolf man, Tomwise, maybe it's a elf thing? _

"You sure, you don't look alright."

"I... uhh." _Doggy to the rescue, Mutt grabbed hold of my sleeve an began to tug me away from the strange elf, I think I love this dog._ "I got to run, catch up later?" _I squeak making that dumb call me motion with my hand. Don't ask. I really don't know. I think he's more confused then I am. _

"Oh, okay. See you later Hawke."

_Crisis evaded this time thankfully, _"You're a awesome dog you know that?" _rubbing his big ol' head, I must sound crazy talking to a dog but I really don't care anymore. He let go of my sleeve and barked, his tongue rolling out the side of his mouth. Such a goofy look, I couldn't help but laugh._

"I think I'm just going to follow you, okay boy?" _This I think, may not have been the greatest idea I've had, and so far most of my ideas have been far, far from good, but it was better then wandering around looking even more like an idiot. Also it seemed to make the dog happy, with his stubby tail wagging like a little propeller, I watched as Mutt began to trot a little a head of me. So I'll follow him, what else was there to do. We start wandering around the decrepit area, if you want to call it that. I try and tune out the sobs of children and stench of... Well this whole place really. There are creepy drawings craved into the wall, I couldn't help but stare at them, there's so much anguish here, what the hell happened in this place? Everything is so depressing here and it screams of fear and desperation. I really don't know what to think right now, I see so much pain in everyone around me. I have this desperate need to hug someone, anyone... okay, maybe not that guy over there with the greasy muck brown hair and rotten teeth, who's smiling at me like I'm naked. Ewwness..._

_As we wandered what seemed like forever, well not really but what can I expect when trusting a dog with directions, but I started to wonder if I lived around here. Carver said that my family all lived together, but the thought make my stomach twist. Maybe staying with Anders was a better idea in the long run, but I guess it's to late to change my mind now; I wonder how long it took them to realize I left? This thought was amusing to me for some reason, would they come looking for me? Part of me hopes they do, part of me, not so much. _

_Next thing I know, Mutt darted a little way's away from me and into what looked liked one of those old freight elevators they use in factory's, and I really don't want to go in there, it doesn't look to stable._

"Err, you sure about this?" _The dog huffed at me, did he just roll his eyes at me? Smartass dog. Really though, what have I got to lose? It's that or go back to the broody brothers. So I step into the shoddy, elevator thingy and I have no idea how these damn things even work, so I tugged and pulled on things, and it took me about ten minutes of fumbling around, when suddenly the thing jerks to life, and I squeal like a little girl. What can I say, I take pleasure in the small things in life. Although, I will say this, up top wasn't much better then below. Even though the air is much more fresh up here, the streets were still drab and lifeless. Not nearly as many beggars as underground, some of the people seemed to look at me like they know me or something. Some smiled while others looked like they wanted to punch me. But Mutt just happily kept walking and me looking the follow, just followed along behind him. I wonder hopelessly if it's obvious that I'm following a dog? How could it be? I mean I'm walking and the dog-is-walking-in-front-of-me... Ugg, they can tell can't they? I'm so lame right now, I've tripped over my boots about six times now, I just stick out like a sore thumb. You know, I think I'm just going to keep my eyes focused on the dog and just walk, hell with everyone, doggy must know where he's going right?_

_A Rabbit!.. yes that's right, he took me to a meat seller. The damn dog is sitting here drooling over a dead rabbit, that's hung over this meat stall that has other dead and gutted critters dangling by their little paws, this is just gross. What the hell am I suppose to do with this? I can't buy anything, I don't even know what kind of money I would use, even if I had money, and I don't have money. And if I did, I wouldn't be buying dangling dead things that I couldn't cook, cause I can't find my way back to anywhere. All I have is nothing, but my ratty clothes and over sized boots that look like they are going to swallow my legs, that I can hardly walk in. And a dog, who from what I can tell, just took me on a four hour hike around an unknown city, so he could beg me to buy him raw meat... Fuck my life... I give up._

* * *

><p><em>AN Just a short update today, but I'm hard at work for the next one! Thank you everyone for all the Alerts and Reviews, you all really make my day with them. I'm so happy so many are enjoying this so far thank you all from the bottom of my heart. _

_I also wanted to ask my readers thoughts on something, so far I've gotten mix feelings on it. As many as noticed Maddies thoughts have always be in Italic's and I've had some that like this, and some that find it takes from the story. I would love to hear input on this should I keep Maddies thoughts in italic or should I make it all normal txt._


	7. Home Sweet Hovel

_I just can't take it anymore and I leave the damn dog to sit and drool over the dead things. The seller guy doesn't seem to happy about this but I really don't care. What was I going to do? Drag a two hundred pound dog away from something he wants. Not going to happen. So I left him there. It's not like I went far, just a short way to the pier. Large ships leaving and docking along the length of the pier, it was quite a sight it was to see. So I walked along one of the empty docks and just sat and watched the boats. I realized this was the first time I had a moment to really think about what's happening to me, and I still really don't understand it. None of this is right. It doesn't even feel right. These people, the things I've seen, none of it is right. Magic, Elves, and Dwarf's, and I'm sure there's an ass load more I don't even know about... I remember cell phones, movies, music... well I'm sure they have music here but... I really don't know what I'm going to do._

_As I watch the boats it made me think, what if I were to just jump on one of them? Let it take me away from this place, these people that know me. People I don't ever remember seeing. I guess that would be a really bad idea. I mean, where would I go? I don't even know where here is, let alone anywhere that a boat would take me. And what about what Anders said, that my magic is dangerous. I have no clue what the hell I'm doing. I don't want to be locked away, it's bad enough there's no Internet here gah... what is my life going to be like now with no Internet. This is what I mean, I know this stuff, I remember everything but who I really am. Maybe Anders' is right, maybe I am a demon. Or maybe what they think demons are? That doesn't feel right though, none of this feel alright, maybe it never will._

_I'm not sure how long I've been sitting here but my dog must have gotten bored of begging and came to curl up at my back and fall asleep. I have no sense of time what so ever, I tried to look up at the sun and psh, I'm no forest ranger, I can't figure this shit out. I do know I'll have to do something soon. I'm starting to get hungry again and I have a feeling when night falls, this dock won't be the safest place for me to be sitting. I hear heavy footsteps behind me on the dock, but I just try my best to ignore it and really hope the person goes away._

"Hawke..."

_No such luck, and yet another voice I don't recognize, I'm starting to wonder if this entire city knows me by name? I'm guessing who ever it is isn't intending to kill me, because who ever it is sounds like they have lead in their boots, not too stealthy for someone who would want to kill you. So I risk it and twist around slightly to look over my shoulder at this new person, or I should say woman... and oh she's very handsome. I guess that's what you would call it when a woman isn't ugly but not dainty and girly, her hair is so red it's, well, it's more of a orange, but it suites her really. I guess she's kind of attractive in a butch sort of way. She's looking at me kind of harsh and unsure. Mutt seem unconcerned about the woman, lifting his head to look at her then groaning and flopping back down._

_I don't know what to say to this woman. I'm not sure she knows what to say to me either. It's almost like she is contemplating something. What ever it was it didn't seem to take her long to decide as she slowly walked up the dock, and sat down next to me and began staring off into the horizon. I assume she's a friend. I find it kind of nice that she's not yelling or trying to kill me or anything. At least not yet anyways. Who knows, the days not over yet._

"Are you alright Hawke?"

"Everyone seems to be asking me that today..."

"Are you really that surprised? Anders showed up frantic, going on about how you've lost your memory and that you took off, everyone has been looking for you."

"Uh... how did you find me?"

_She apparently found that funny and started laughing at me, I would be offended but really I much rather have the laughing._

"You're not that hard to find, you left a pretty big trail to follow. People tend to notice when someone staggers down the street talking to a dog."

"Oh... hehe.. well I guess if you put it that way."

"So is it true? You can't remember anything?"

"Sort of, I ... well I remember things, just not the things I should remember you know?"

"No, I don't."

_How do I explain this to her without having her freak out and try to and push me into the Ocean? Things can never be easy can they._

"It's like... I don't know anyone, or I don't recognize anything I've seen. Everything is strange, nothing seems to make any sense and yet, I know other things, not who I am or where I'm from, but things I know that are true... just it's not."

"I see..."

"So, yeah, people have been yelling at me, treating me like I'm a child one minute then trying to kill me the next."

_I kick my feet up out of the water and watch as one of my over sized boots flies off my foot and sails out over the water, watching in horror as it splashed and began to sink. My now bare foot is submerged in the icy cold water. _

"_Just fucking lovely... why the hell not, even more reason to have Anders mad at me." I could tell she was trying not to laugh, I don't think this is funny at all. _

"I don't think you losing a boot will matter all that much too him Hawke. He is really worried about you."

"Yeah, that is till he finds out I lost his boot. Then it will be all glowing and growling, flaying of hands and feet."

"What?"

"Nothing, never mind, you're probably right. I'm overreacting."

_The woman didn't say anything else, not that I really expected her to . So we just sat there staring out into the water with my cold wet foot, and now my ass is falling asleep. Not the most comfortable thing in the world. It wasn't until Mutt started snoring that I gathered up the nerve to really say anything. Lets face it, this woman was really intimidating... all decked out in armor, and even though she didn't try and attack me, with my track record lately, I don't really want to take that chance._

"So... what now?"

"I don't know Hawke, what do you want to do?"

_This entire time I've been here, this woman was the first person to ask me what I want, and of course I am clueless on what to say or do. Things shouldn't be this hard._

"I dunno, where can I go? I mean where do you think I should go?"

"Are you alright? Apart from the memory loss, are your injures healed?"

"As far as I know, my ankle still hurts a little. Other than that I feel alright."

"Your ankle? Anders said it was a head injury."

"Oh that, yeah, Anders lost his mind a little, did you know he glows when he's upset."

"You know what, forget I even asked."

_The woman sounded as frustrated as I felt, maybe I'm taking this whole thing with more ease then I should. I just figure what good will freaking out at this point be. With everything that's happening I'm lucky I'm not in a straight jacket and locked in a padded room. I don't even know this amazon woman's name._

"Sooo, you..."

"Aveline."

"Pretty name."

"Don't be condescending Hawke."

"I'm not... I've never known anyone with that name before."

"How would you know if you can't remember anything."

"Oh snap!"

"Snap what?"

"Ah, never mind."

_These people do not get humour or sarcasm. I'm going to have to be careful of what I say. Things could get messy, and I don't like messy. I've had quite enough of it right now._

"Alright then, maybe I should just walk you home? I'm sure your Mother and Brother are worried sick."

"Anders thinks I should stay at the clinic, he said it's dangerous for me to be out here."

"Do you want to go back?"

"Not really, it's creepy down there. Regardless if Anders is a sexy doctor man."

"Sexy doc... you know what, I'm taking you home. Carver can handle the rest I'm sure."

"Alright, it's better than following a dog around."

"You really followed him around the city?"

"Why not?"

"Maybe I should take you back to Anders..."

_Getting up while your ass is asleep isn't as easy as I thought it would be, the numb tingling feeling shot down from my rear into my legs making me wobble. Not only that, now that I only have one boot and I was stumbling around like a drunk on crack. I swear my dog is laughing at me._

"Screw this!"_ I grumbled pulling the other boot off, I could feel myself falling side ways, when Aveline grabbed my arm yanking me back from my almost swim in the Ocean. _

"Damn it Hawke be careful, I don't want to have to fish you out of the water."

"Sorry, I... ugg, I'm fine."

I hug the boot against my chest and play follow the leader for the second time today. At least this time the leader doesn't have a craving for raw meat. At least I hope she doesn't, who the hell knows here. It only took about five minutes of walking before we stopped at a shabby set of stone steps, heading up to a decrepit looking door. I guess it was to much to ask that I be wealthy and live a life of luxury. No, I live in a hovel. At least it's nicer then Anders clinic, or at least it looks like it from the outside.

"This is it?"

"Yes."

"I live here?"

"Yes Hawke, are you going up or am I going to have to carry you?"

"What if I want you to carry me?"

"Hawke..."

"Alright, alright I'm just trying to lighten the mood some. Give me a minute, this is a lot to take in."

_I wanted to go up the stairs, it's just my feet won't move. What do I say to this woman who is suppose to be my Mother that I don't even remember? _

_Why am I still living at home for that matter? _

_I'm a grown woman! I should have my own place, but I guess that doesn't say much for Carver either if he's living here too. It looks so small for three adults. I find this whole thing slightly terrifying. _

_Don't be stupid, this can't be all that bad? They are my family, even if I don't know them from Adam. So I slowly take the steps one at a time, Aveline followed close behind me. I'm not sure if she wanted to make sure I was alright or that I wouldn't bolt. Either way there was no turning back now._

_The door swung open and a older man stepped out, he looked angry and ratty, crossing his arms he stood and glared at us._

"Please tell me that's not my Father..."

"No, Hawke it's your uncle, your Fathers dead."

_Great now I feel like an ass, _"Oh, I umm, does he always look like that?"

"Yes, he does unfortunately," _She chuckled and gave me a harder shove to get me moving. I can take a hint geez._

_The old creepy man that smelled very much like moldy cabbage is glaring at me, I guess no welcome home hug from him, thank god. He just looks me up and down, I feel like he's sizing me up. _

"Your Mother has been worried sick..."

"I'm... sorry... uncle?" _He glares at me, I take it he's not to fond of me. You can just feel the love radiate off of him. Aveline steps up and squeezes my arm tightly, she really doesn't want me to bolt does she._

"I found her by the Docks, she's fine."

_My uncle snorts, his arms flying up over his head,_ "I don't care where you found her, I'm just glad that you people can stop your constant whining about her."

"Wow... Tell me how you really feel Uncle." _Gotta love family, but his attitude seemed to spark something in me, and my legs work fine now as a barge past him through the door. I also made sure to give him a small shove with my shoulder for good measure, I have no patience for assholes. _

_Aveline followed in behind me as Mutt made his way over to a ratty old blanket in the corner, flopping down with a grunt. This place was worse inside then out, everything was tattered looking. The wood looked like it was rotting. Honestly it made the clinic look like Barbies Dream House, but I guess it's home. Uncle bitchy slammed the door shut but said nothing, just stormed past me into one of the rooms. _

"Still charming as ever," _Aveline said with a scowl, I'm just glad it wasn't just me that saw it._

_Okay, so I'm 'home' now what? There's like no where to sit and I don't really like the looks of this floor._

"Oh my darling Daughter, you're alright!" _Woah, this woman comes rushing through the door my so called Uncle went into, and she's like a snake that snagged a rat, and starts hugging me really, really tightly. So... uncomfortable, I know for sure that I've never seen this woman before in my life, and what a rack! Those things just kinda stay there. I mean, damn.. did she get a boob job or something. I thought 'pirate boobies' was bad, sure they are bigger and kinda hanging out; but my Mother, she's got the boobs of a twenty year old. I should hug her back I guess, it's so awkward and she kind of has my arms pinned so I end up patting her side instead. Glad this isn't uncomfortable or anything._

"Oh my darling, when Carver told me what happened I was beside myself, and then when that Anders boy showed up in a panic and told me you were missing... I thought for sure I lost you too."

"Lost me too? Who else did you lose?" _Smooth move slick, very smooth. At least she released me, and stared at me with the most pitiful expression._

"Carver was right, you have lost your memory. Oh my darling, you don't remember your Father... your Sister?"

_Ah shit, how do I answer that one, Aveline said my Father is dead and... I have a sister? How many people live in this hole in the wall? Damn... wait, she said lost, well is that lost dead, or lost, you ran away from home and kept on running. Part of me is wishing I had hopped on one of those ships right about now._

"I-I'm sorry, I don't know what to say."

_My brain is on over drive, I don't know what to do. The woman just stands there looking completely deflated. I'm sorry I don't remember but all I can do is just stare at her. Come on brain, you can do this, something has to look familiar, how can everything look so completely strange and not right._

"What about me, don't you remember your own Mother?"

_This could be bad, my heart is racing, I don't want to break this woman's heart but I can't very well lie to her either can I? Bah, even if I did lie it wouldn't take her long to figure it out. I guess the truth hurts? Maybe? fuck..._

"Err, no, I don't... sorry."

_Ooh, great now she's crying. I'm such a horrible human being. I should have lied, I should have said anything other than that. I try and console her, patting her shoulder lightly as she sobs pitifully into my chest. I'm a monster who makes old women cry. There's a loud banging at the door, oh thank god. This can't get anymore uncomfortable. Aveline looks at me, she's just as uncomfortable with all this as I am, at least I'm not the only one. I watch helplessly as she turns to get the door, my Mother still clinging to my shirt, although her cries are now sobs._

"Thank the Maker you're alright Hawke."

_Oh look, it's Anders rushing in and now he's awkwardly hugging me too. Well at least my Mother has stepped back from me some, watching with red puffy eyes as he now clings to me. Do I have a sign around my neck that says 'Free Hugs Here' ? This is just weird. Also now I have a face full of feathers. This whole 'I'm going to kill you, I'm happy you're alive,' thing makes my brain hurt._

"I'm fine Anders, really."

"I really thought something happened to you... I'm so sorry about before."

"Shh, stop, everything is alright. I'm not incapable of caring for myself, memory loss or not."

"You were following your dog Hawke." _Gee thanks for that Aveline, shout it from the rooftops next time. I don't think everyone heard that crazy lady lets her dog show her around town._

"You did what?" _Yes Anders, I trusted my dog to get me out of testosterone city. _

"Nothing, just ignore her."

"Right, well it looks like you're in capable hands Hawke, I'm going to head back to the barracks. If she wanders off again, you know where to find me."

"Thank you so much for bringing my baby home safe."

_Baby..? Oh good lord, she's not one of those crazy obsessed Mothers is she? Staying at the clinic is becoming more and more appealing every second._

"No worries, even with no memory I'm sure Hawke can take care of herself."

"Yes, I can..." _Say's the woman who lets a dog show her around the city, I'm still doubting my own sanity. _

"Right then, take care Hawke."

_I kind of didn't want her to leave. She's the only one that doesn't treat me like I'm going turn into a monster, I watch her turn and head for the door. Anders thankfully no longer has me in a death grip but is still hovering over me, he's worse then my Mother. I notice another figure in the doorway, it was hard to see at first with the sun blaring in, then I realize it's Fenris. How long has he been standing there? He moves so Avaline can get by but stares at me, he looks so very hot standing there looking like he's about to pounce on me any second, I kinda like it._

"I'm glad you're alright, Hawke."

_And that was it, poof he was gone. Just turned and walked away. He's so strange, who am I kidding everyone I've met here is strange. My Mother is tugging on my arm now pulling me farther into the room._

"You must be starving dear, why don't you rest and I'll make you something to eat. Anders please stay for dinner."

"Thank you, but I don't think that's a good idea."

"Don't be silly, it's the least I can do for taking such good care of my Daughter."

"I..."

"You heard the man Mother, it's not a good idea." _Carvers voice bellows from the doorway, such a busy place I live in, and it looks like the family's all here now.. peachy. Carver glares at Anders, and he glares right back. Is my Brother ever happy? _

"Carver! Don't be rude, he's our guest."

"No, it's alright, I have to get back to the clinic."

"See Mother he has patients to strangle."

"CARVER, that is enough!"

_Oh ouch, I guess the word is out on what happened. Poor Anders just mumbles something about seeing me tomorrow, and scurried off out the door, closing it behind him. Part of me wanted to say something, to go after him, but really I've had enough fighting for one day. Then Carver stepped up to me, laying his hands on my shoulders, his expression was strange, a mix of worry and down right pissed off._

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm okay."

"Good, don't ever scare Mother like that again."

_I fight back a smile, by Mother he meant him, the expression made sence now. _"I wont, don't worry."

_He nods and steps away, complaining about food and all I can think is how sweet his Brotherly concern was. I realize now that even though I may be so sort of evil bitch queen, I seem to be extremely loved by a lot of people, and that really makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. Mother dear seems to be in full out mom-mode or something as she rushes around making food. It makes me dizzy just watching her. Carver shows me our room... yes, our room. I guess we share a room, isn't that lovely. Can't expect much else really. This place is to bloody small, but at least there's no bed sharing, just a set of bunk beds and thankfully I have the bottom. I realize I have a real big fear of heights at the thought of sleeping up there. _

_The rest of the day passes by fairly quickly. We ate a surprisingly delicious stew; the bread was a little stale although I can't really complain. My creeper Uncle left shortly after, ranting about it being too crowded and he had a date at some flower shop? Odd.. Don't want to know. I tried not to talk much, at least not to Mother, I didn't want to freak her out to much with my lack of knowledge about pretty much everything. I asked Carver some questions, he seemed taken back by a lot of it, I didn't think I said anything strange but it's hard to tell. Then my very doting Mother filled me a bath, like one of those really old bath bin things, this doesn't surprise me anymore. I don't think much can at this point, a two headed unicorn with rainbow poop wouldn't even be all that big a shocker at this point._

_So all fed, bathed and in clean clothes I'm now awkwardly laying in a ratty bed with my Brother sleeping above me. I have this horrible vision of his massive body crashing down on top of me. This thing really doesn't look to stable. Squeezing my eyes tightly shut, praying under my breath that the bed doesn't break, as I hear him shifting up there to get comfortable._

"Maddie..."

"Yes Carver."

"About tonight..."

"Yeah?"

"You're different."

"I know, everyone keeps telling me that."

"I talked to Anders, he told me what happened."

"I figured, with that snide remark."

"Haha, that was good wasn't it."

"Not really, it was kind of rude."

"He deserved worse then that."

"I guess..."

"Maddie..."

"Yeah?"

"You're not really my Sister are you?"

"I dunno..."

"Huh, it's strange, it really doesn't bother me if you're not..."

"Really?"

"My Sister was an arrogant bitch, you're not."

"I don't know who I am... and If I'm not your Sister, wont you miss her?"

"Honestly I don't think I will. I've lost a lot of people, and some were because of her... I will take you over her any day."

_That made me want to cry. How horrible could one person be not to be missed by their own Brother? The tears threaten to take over, I'm trying so hard not to sob here. My voice is shake now._

"Thanks."

"You'll be okay Maddie, I'll make sure of it."

"I... Thank you, I mean it."

"Goodnight Maddie."

"G'night Carver."

* * *

><p>AN: This was one long chapter! haha, I want to thank everyone who's been Reading, Favorited and Alerts. It makes me feel good how much people enjoy this story. Things will be progressing a little faster here on out, at least that's the plan. Thank you everyone again, I can not say it enough, and I LOVE feedback. Questions, comments everything.

I want to give a big thanks to my Beta ArcturasB for her beta goodness, and to falllenangelz for being there through it all for me, and for kicking me every time I think it's bad and want to quit.


	8. Sweet Dreams and Nightmares

A/N: Sorry for the extremely long wait. I will try my very best to not do it again, and you may notice a drastic change in the writing style. I would love everyone's feed back on what they like more. I want this story to go as smoothly and as enjoyable as possible.

Also I would like to try and get back into weekly updates and hopefully life shall let that happen. Thank you to everyone who has Alerted and reviewed so far, it really does keep a writer going when they know how the reader feels. Thank you all so very much.

* * *

><p>This dream feels strange. I guess you could say surreal or maybe a little too real. It's much too loud here. The noises feel so foreign and yet I seem to recognize this place. Tall buildings, paved streets with an endless ocean of bodies and cars. People living their lives completely unaware of anyone else. It felt right, like home. I know this street and it makes me feel like crying. I need to run home. I need something... no, someone. Someone is waiting for me. I need to go. I start to run, the people they just move out of my way as it was completely normal, yet none of them look at this crazy woman running wildly down the crowded road. The street signs, they are a blur. I can't read them, but it doesn't matter I know where I'm going. The harder I run, the farther away it feels but I can't stop, I need to get there, he's waiting for me and there's no time.<p>

The world it ... shifted, I'm not where I was... how did I get, wait... I know this place.

"There you are, I've been looking for you."

It's him, I know him. At first I want to rush him, leap into his arms, but it's wrong, this feels...

"Are you alright?"

I look around, this is home, but it's not. Everything is completely wrong. This place, it has a haze over it, like everything's too loud, too real... dreams are not this real. I don't remember his name, but his face, he stares at me with his dark eyes. I feel a pull to him like this is so right, but my body is screaming to flee as if there was no greater danger than this single man who knows me but I cannot remember him.

"Who am I?"

He laughs at this, of course it sounds funny to me too, like I should already know. I don't know though, but I'm sure he does, at least I think so. He takes a step closer to me, arms stretched out, I automatically recoil back. Something in the back of my mind screams not to let him touch me.

"What is wrong with you?"

"Tell me..."

"Tell you what?"

"Who am I?"

"Don't be stupid, come on we're going to be late for the concert."

"Tell. Me. Please."

That made him angry, his face almost distorting, feral, dangerous. My heart felt like it was about to explode through my chest. He steps toward me again which made me stumble back.

"Stop being so difficult, you don't want to be late, they're all waiting for you." His voice was more like a growl now. My body began to tremble. I wanted to run, to get away but my feet would not move. The world around me felt as if it was melting away. I tried willing myself awake, it use to work when I was little but I'm being held in place, like the dream won't let me go.

"Maddie?"

This voice came from behind me, I knew this voice. I turn away from the nameless man I had once known. Warm and safe, the keeper of this second voice is my salvation. Inches away, his honey brown gaze held mine. I know him, of this I have no doubts.

"Anders?"

He smiles even though his eyes are filled with concern, he doesn't feel unreal like the other did, he felt almost solid and completely real.

"So this is the real you?"

The real me? Of course I'm real, how much more real does he need me to be. Oh wait. My hands fly up to my face, then slide down to my chest. Yeah those are much bigger, I know these boobs, and then I noticed waves of dark, red hair rested on my shoulders not the raven black hair from before. Then it clicked in. This is me. Me, the real me, not the other me, not the Maddie Hawke me.

"Listen to me Maddie, you're in the Fade."

"The Fade?" Who cares, I'm me! I need a mirror, something... anything. I need to see myself, I need to remember.

"Yes, I don't know how you did it, but you pulled me here with you. I need you to listen, to understand. That man is a Desire Demon."

A Desire Demon? Crazy but I know this to be true. I don't know how I know, but as Anders spoke, the words I knew we were in trouble.

"She is mine, Mage, you have no right to be here," the man I knew growled menacingly, everyone is out to get me, even in my dreams now.

I watched as Anders lunged forward, tightly grabbing hold of my arm, pulling me up behind him. He is so protective of me in my dreams, I wonder if he would do the same if it were not just in my head. I've never been one to be the 'damsel in distress' type, but still, it's nice to feel protected for once. Anders glared at the thing now moving closer to us. It is not the man I knew anymore, the stranger with the familiar face was gone and a woman was there instead.

At least I think it's a woman, she's kind of purple and horny. The Demon now donned a very slender, appealing figure with long curled horns protruding from her beautiful, yet terrifying face. Long nails escaped her hands as she held them out at her side while she spoke, showing off her naked lavender colored skin, only covered by a gold necklace that traced down her chest and attached itself to nipple tassles. She looked like one of those stripper from those gentleman's clubs I've read about, and now this dream has taken on a whole new kind of weird. They argue over me like Anders and that Elf did before, and this makes me wonder why everyone seems to either want to kill me or save me. This is a dream though right, I can protect myself. I remember my Mother telling me that when I was little. 'You rule your dreams,' she would say and from that moment on I did, I was always in control. I pulled at Anders' arm and away from the hooker demon chick, this is turning into a really bad B rated horror flick. Why couldn't she have been a buff, sexy hunk of man meat, not that I don't find women attractive I just... focus Maddie, dream, demon, evil hookers here. I didn't want to spend too much time dwelling on it but when I pulled Anders away she got really pissed off.

I hardly recall how or even what happened next, all I can recall was a lot of light and screaming then silence. The demon hooker was gone, and Anders stood staring at me with notable fear in his expression.

So I made the best of it. I reached forward and grabbed ahold of his coat, and I pulled him into me. My lips yielded against his. I felt his body tensed against mine at first, but this is my dream and if I want to kiss him I'm going to damn well kiss him. I let go of his coat and let my hands slide down his chest, and this time I felt his body relax beneath my hands. I didn't get to explore very much before his arms wrapped around my waist pulling me tight against him. A soft moan escaped me and he responded with a growl of his own.

I am so taking full advantage of this dream, and if anyone wakes me from this, I swear I will stab them with the nearest sharp object I can get my hands on.

We are still in my house, at least I think it's mine. I'm not about to put too much thought into it. This dream is definitely going the way I want it too. I pull him along with me towards my bedroom, he follows willingly, his hands roaming up my shirt, caressing my bare skin, his touch so light the way I like it. I let myself fall back onto the bed and pull him down on top of me. He follows, his body pressed against mine, his weight holding me into place, our lips locked hungrily. I can't help but think that I have never been so turned on in my life, whether that's true or not it feels like it now. When our kiss breaks I tug gently on his bottom lip, causing him to moan and thrust his hips into mine. I can feel his hardness pressed against me and the want for him is just too much. I want him now.

My hands start pulling frantically at his clothes, I feel desperate, I want him and I want him now and he does the same. This quickly became a game of who can get naked faster and I want to win very badly. Suddenly he stops, pulling back slightly looking down at me, a mix expression of affection and lust fill his dark eyes.

"Maddie, I don't think this is a good idea."

I listen to his laboured breath as it matched my own, and it took a moment for his words to sink in. How dare my dream lover cock block me! So I ignore him and try and pull him down for another kiss, but he resists. "Maddie, I don't want to take advantage of you."

"Sex, now, yes." I bat my eyelashes and pout, trying to give my best sad puppy look, but he just pulls away more, sitting up looking all conflicted, "This is my dream, Anders, I want this."

"I know you think that..."

"I don't think it, I know it. I mean Hello, I'm the one who kissed you, I'm the one ripping off the clothes of your very sexy body."

"Maddie..."

"Shut. Up. And fuck me Anders..." This made him laugh and even in this weird ass dream that laugh made my stomach flutter.

"I just don't want to complicate things Hawke, I'm not good for you. I will hurt you."

"You're not going to hurt me, now less talkie, talkie and more touchy, touchy."

His smile is so genuine. I would say dazzling but that's just tacky, then slowly he leaned down, this time _he_ kissed me, and it wasn't desperate, it was careful. There was meaning behind a kiss like this, alot. It was tender, affectionate, it deepened; our breathing became ragged. My emotions seemed to shift, this wasn't just sex anymore, this was much more. I lost complete control of this dream. It was like it was no longer mine, it was now his. This was passion, his wanting for me. Slow burning heat that was so intense and I now realize that I want this just as much. I want him.

His lips traveled down my body, painfully slow, making me ache even more for him. Fingers glided lightly across my bare skin, my body felt like I would explode at any moment. His tongue flicked the nipple of my bared breast that made me shiver and I couldn't help but moan. This was so perfect, it felt like everything I had ever wanted was in this one moment, this one...

"WAKE UP LAZY ASS!"

I jolted awake failing, arms and legs kicking wildly as I fell off the bed onto the hard rotted wood floor. I am so going to kill him. Carver plopped down beside me on the floor laughing, at me, and me at this moment, I want to punch him right in the face.

"I am going to kill you..."

"You should have seen yourself!"

"Dead... You. Are. So. Dead. D.E.A.D."

"Aww, come on, lighten up."

I've decided that I am just going to ignore Carver as I start to pick myself up off the floor and crawl my ass back into bed.

"Not so fast, you have to get up."

"No," My voice muffled under the blanket, I want to get back to my sexy doctor dream dammit.

"You have too, we're suppose to head to the Hanged Man to meet Varric."

"Why would I want to go to The Hanged Man?"

"Because it's one of your favorite places, and where Varric lives."

"Of course."

"So, get up, let's go."

"I'm starting to hate you."

"Well that would be nothing new."

I can tell he's joking yet the comment stung a little. Of course I really don't hate Carver but I really would like to have a day to myself, that dream, not just the sexy doctor part but my home. I don't know what it meant and I don't know who I should tell about it. Can I really trust these people that call me their friend, after the last forty eight hours of hell I'm not so sure. I know I can't do this alone though, maybe I just need to put my trust in these people.

"Fine, fine. At least give me a moment to wake up and look halfway decent."

"Mother would love to hear that you've taken to worrying about your looks."

"Is that right?"

"Yeah, she thinks you try too hard to look like a man."

"On that I can agree."

"This is going to take time to get use too."

"What is?"

"You not being rude and ignorant, I can actually stand being around you."

"That has yet to be seen."

"Right, well I'll let you get ready, Varric was pretty adamant on getting you over there early."

"Don't want to disappoint the Dwarf."

Carver snorted at my comment and started to walk out of our room, he paused at the door and looked at me with a evil smirk. "What were you dreaming about anyway?"

"W-what?"

"It sounded like you were..."

"NOTHING, nothing at all." That's not convincing at all.

"It sure didn't sound like nothing, it sounded like..."

I panicked and I grabbed my pillow and threw it at him, he laughed and caught it in mid air throwing it back at me. "So who was he?"

"CARVER!" I can feel my face going flush, I bet I look like a radish.

"In all my life I have never seen my sister blush over anything. You are going to be so much fun to tease," he quipped and slipped out of the room, leaving me completely embarrassed, and scrambling to get dressed. So much for sleeping the day away. I quickly washed up in the basin of water my Mother brought in last night. Oh how I miss showers, nice hot steaming showers. I guess I just have to make do. There wasn't much to choose from clothing wise either, so I threw on a black pair of cotton pants and a loose fitting shift, not very fashionable but at least it was comfortable. I slipped out of the room to find my Mother beaming at me with a small plate of what looked like scones.

"Darling here take these with you, I hate seeing you going out so early without eating something."

I can't help but stare up at Carver who has a mound of biscuits shoved in his mouth, his cheeks bulged as he attempted to chew. I tried not to laugh at this ridiculous sight. "You look like a chipmunk." I snicker and he stops his ravenous chewing, and looks at me with the fakest look of anger I've ever seen.

"I'm hungerfy, I haf to eaf before yof gef yorf hands on it."

"Are you calling me a pig?" He grinned at me, I rolled my eyes at him and grabbed a couple of the biscuits, I figure this will at least keep Mother happy. As I proceed to shove one in my pocket and one into my mouth I noticed that it was very dry and tasteless but it's food none the less. Carver grabbed the shoulder of my shirt dragging me towards the door, I didn't bother resisting, I mean what was the point. He wasn't about to let me go back to bed, and even if I did I'm sure people would just show up at the hovel.

The sky was still a dark shade of blue as the sun had not begun to make it's appearance to start the day. Yet with all the very obnoxious chirping sounds of the birds there was a sure indication that the sun was about to make its grand entrance soon enough. I was about to complain about it but why bother really, it seems like I have no real say in what I get to do I might as well follow him and hopefully get some real answers for once.

We didn't go very far when we arrived at the entrance to The Hanged Man. Really? What a horrible name for a bar; until I noticed the figure of a man hanging upside down, roped by his ankles, blindfolded with his hands tied behind his back, hanging at the main entrance. Now not only did the name of the bar made sense, but I suddenly had the urge of a drink. That was until Carver opened the door. The stench hit me like a warm wall of piss and stale beer. My stomach rolled and I had to swallow hard to keep myself from up chucking my meager biscuit. I hold my breath and step inside. The whole place is dimly lit and it's completely empty, until later today when I assume it will be filled with beer guzzling swine looking for their next wench. The bar itself was much larger inside than it appeared from the street. The open floor was filled with long wooden tables and benches, empty barrels and chairs and in the far left corner stood a rounded barkeep's station ready for its afternoon customers. Carver however dragged me across the room to a set of stairs leading up to a second floor. A bar and an inn, that would be handy if it wasn't so nasty in here. At the top of the stairs, the expanse of rooms was again much larger then it seemed but Carver stopped us at the first door and knocked loudly. The door swung open and the dwarf I had met yesterday was there smiling warmly.

"Ah good, you made it just in time, come in." he sounded way too cheerful for this early in the damn morning.

"Why so early?" I mumble, stepping inside a room that was much nicer than the rest of the bar. A very large table sat in the middle of the room. Why would someone so short need such a big ass table? Sitting around the table was everyone I had met the day before, all of 'Hawke's' friends. The dream came rushing back with crystal clarity, and the thought of it sent a shiver through me. This truly wasn't my body. I am not nor ever was Maddie Hawke, and even though I know this without a doubt in my mind, I still have no idea who I am, where I came from or who that demon man from my dream was.

"Aww, come on Hawke, you've always been the one who said the earlier the better."

"I must have been half off my rocker, I rather enjoy my sleep."

"You definitely were enjoying it this morning," Carver snickered and I felt my face going flush again, as I glance around the room again looking for the only person who was not there. Varric chuckled when he noticed what I was doing. I am just so obvious I want to bury my head in the nearest dark hole.

"Blondie should be here soon, this was his idea anyway. It's a long trek from Dark Town."

It feels like everyone can read my damn mind. They are all sitting here grinning at me like I did something very dirty, and so I quickly take a seat next to Merril because she's the only one that truly seems clueless.

"Are you alright Hawke? You look a little flush," she asked with a hint of confusion in her tone.

"Yeah, I'm fine Merrill just a little tired," my voice squeaked a little in turn making Isabela laugh, I find this whole thing far from funny.

"Didn't sleep well sweetness, plagued with dreams of a sexy brooding doctor?"

"Oh god... I can't... I'm going home," but as I stand the door opens and he's there, looking just as tired and disheveled as I felt. Our eyes met and I had to look away, it was too much. I might as well tell the world I had a wet dream about sexy doctor man there.

"Uh, sorry I'm late, didn't sleep too well last night." His voice was raspy, I really wanted to look at him but I could still feel my cheeks were flush and I didn't need him knowing how completely embarrassed I am right at this moment.

"You too? Hawke didn't sleep well either, perhaps you two are coming down with something?"

"N-no, Merrill, I'm fine really."

"I don't know Hawke, you really don't look well, maybe you should let Anders check..."

"NO! I mean.. really I'm fine. Can we please just do whatever it is we're doing here. Please."

"Finally," Fenris snapped as Anders took the empty seat beside me. Fucking brilliant! I swear the cosmos is trying to kill me right now.

I will not look at him, no, no. No! But I can feel him beside me, staring at me. I'm being tortured, I swear, some god somewhere is getting a big ol' laugh out of this, I'm sure of it. And all I can do is stare dumbly down at my hands. At least he hasn't said anything to me. I really don't think I can deal with it right now.

"Now that we're all here, we need to figure out what to do about Hawke's little problem." Varric spoke from across the head of the table.

"You mean the demon that has taken control of her?" Fenris started.

"She's not a demon, Fenris, of that I am a hundred percent positive." Anders rebutled.

"Ha, says the abomination."

"I am not an abomination! Justice is not a demon."

"That's enough from both of you." Avaline interjected. "Anders, what makes you so sure? Yesterday you were ready to kill her for that very reason." I could feel Anders shift uncomfortably beside me.

"I just know, you'll have to trust me. She is no demon, she's also not from this plain of existence." That got me looking at Anders, was he there in my dream? Did he see? That's just bullshit and yet, he looks at me as if searching for the same question.

"Fine then, my sister is not a demon, but she's not my sister anymore either, where is my sister then?" there was a hint of concern in Carver's voice.

"I don't know Carver we may never know, then again she may come back as quickly as she came." Anders spoke then looked back at me with his dreamy yet worried eyes.

"Great, what am I supposed to tell our Mother then? She's bound to figure it out that she's not Maddie."

"Maybe it would be best to just tell her the truth?" Merrill squeaked. I was about to agree with her when Varric quickly countered.

"I don't think that's a good idea Daisy, I don't think anyone will take to well of the idea of Hawke having some stranger taking over her body. No matter the improvement on her personality."

"Thanks Varric," I couldn't help but smile at that, it makes me wonder how this woman could have such amazing friends if she was such a evil bitch. I guess I'm lucky that of all the people I could be in it's this woman Maddie Hawke, although I still wish I knew who I was and where I came from.

"Anytime peaches."

"Peaches?"

"Yeah, well since you're not the real Hawke, I'll have to call you something, and when you blush your face is a very pretty shade of..."

"Okay, I get it," I blurt out trying very hard not to start blushing again, I'm never going to be able to see another peach again in my life; thanks to this little man. "So if we're not telling anyone, what are we going to tell people. Won't people notice?"

"Not if we tell them your fall caused a permanent memory loss, then people would expect it."

"I get that may work for the memory loss, but what about the change in personality. I'm not a bitchy person, I don't want to be mean to anyone, fake or not."

"That's the beauty of the place Hawke, it can be a side effect of the injury."

"If you think it will work..."

"Just be yourself, if anyone questions one of us we will be there to back you up. No worries alright, we have your back." The dwarf sounds so confident and yet I have this awful feeling of dread bubbling up inside of me.

"What about choir boy? He may be a little harder to fool, and I don't think it would be in Hawke's best interest to tell him the truth." Isabela frowned looking across at Varric.

"Choir Boy?" This person I know I have not met yet, and by the sounds of it I may not want to.

"Sebastian, he's a brother of the Chantry and the prince of Starkhaven, and you're right Isabela, he won't be easily fooled by this, and we don't want him thinking she is an abomination either." Varric explained.

"So the head thing won't work with him?" I asked, not liking the turn this was taking.

"Maybe, but why take the risk." Varric was frowning and it looked so out of place on the seemingly happy dwarf.

"Then maybe Hawke should just avoid him, as far as I know they haven't spoken much since she helped him with his family problem."

"Family problem?" I feel so out of the loop here.

"I'll tell you about it later, Sister." Even though he's not my true brother, I still feel this strong sibling connection to Carver. "Right now I want to know what we're doing about going into the Deep Roads."

I bit back a laugh, I just can't help but think about some horrible 60's porn everytime someone talks about this place, and as my mind starts to wander, part of me realizes everyone has stopped talking and are all now staring at me.

"Hawke?" Merrill spoke with such innocence.

"What?"

"Are you okay?" Her eyes were full of intrigue.

"Mmhmm, just fine." I replied, trying so hard not to laugh.

"Right then, what do you want to do about the Deep Roads?" Carver interrupted, trying to push ahead to the next order of business.

"I... uhh, I guess I should go. I mean if that's what I planned on doing, I shouldn't stop right?"

"I think that's a bad idea, Hawke," Anders said. "You have no idea what it's like down there. It's not a place anyone should go ever, no offence Varric."

"None taken, Blondie," Varric smiled, "I wouldn't be going either if it wasn't for the fact that we all could use the money. I think Hawke is right, we should carry on with the plan gather the rest of the money and head down there. The sooner the better."

"She doesn't even know how to control her magic, being down there is a disaster waiting to happen."

"Then teach her how to use her magic, we don't have nearly enough money to go right now. You could teach her and we could continue to do odd jobs to gather enough coin. By then she could be ready."

"I planned on teaching her, but she can't very well go around as she is now, she'll hurt herself or someone else. I still think it's a bad idea going into a place that dangerous."

"I have to Anders." He looks at me surprised and a heart melting look of concern.

"Hawke, you don't know what it's like down there."

"And you do? Have you ever been down there Anders?"

"Yes, Maker yes. I'm a Grey Warden, it's what they do, and I've been down there more times than I would like to even think about, Maddie. It's dark and damp, everything is filled with corruption, darkspawn around every corner. It feels as if the world has swallowed you whole. It's a horrible place. You don't want to go down there, there's a good chance you'll not make it out alive."

Holy shit he's trembling. He's really scared of this place and suddenly I am too, his brown eyes looked at me pleadingly. Maybe he's right, this could be a disaster waiting to happen, but I've made a promise to these people and somewhere deep down to myself. If I have to live a lie than I will have to live it right, and I don't think this Maddie Hawke would back down from deep dark caves and things that go bump in the night. Also there is the need for money, my faux mother can't be living in that hovel forever, I've stolen her daughter's body, her life, I owe that woman at least a better life outside of that dump.

"Anders... I..." He puts his hand on mine and squeezes, his mouth a hard thin line.

"You don't owe anyone anything, Hawke, you're not responsible for what happened to her." How the hell did he know that, am I that easy to read?

"Yes I am, Anders... I may have been forced into this body, but that doesn't mean I have the right to abandon those who are counting on me."

His hand slipped away from mine, he looked so defeated. I could feel all eyes on us and it was very disconcerting. No one spoke for a few minutes and I didn't know what else to say, everyone just stared at me with this look of pity. Even Fenris' expression seemed to have softened towards me, I couldn't stand the silence any longer, I just wanted to leave, get out of here.

"Is that it, can I go now?"

"Sure Hawke, we'll talk more later. There's some jobs I found that you may be interested it." Varric said quietly, he looked so somber now and I feel badly about this whole thing. I've turned everyone's world upside down, my own included. I just want to go home now.

I stood quietly to take my leave when Anders grabs my wrist, holding me in place. "I'll be by your place in a few hours. We'll start training then." His tone was flat but not angry, and I wondered if he was taking pity on me now, I don't have the energy to be angry anymore. I nod at him, pulling my hand gently away and walking out the door, no one else followed and I'm on my own for the time being, thankfully.


	9. The Lost One

I'm not sure how long I sat outside the Hanged Man, all I know is when I stepped out the world was stifling hot around me. The sun had come up and the dry heat of the morning was suffocating.

"Great, now what?" I mumble to myself as an old woman walked slowly past me, giving me the evil eye. How nice. "Such friendly people in this city. I just want out of here, to get away from it, from them all. And now that I am out I'm already lost on what to do next." Sighing heavily, I lean against the stone wall beside the door letting myself slowly slide down till I'm sitting flush on the ground, pulling my knees up to my chest. Taking in a shaky breath I try and clear my head. So much has happened, and I really wanted to get away, but now that I am part of me wants to go back. I won't though, I need a clear head. I need to think, there's so much to take in and I'm at a loss on what's right and what's wrong.

My mind wanders as I watch the people pass by the tavern. Some stopped and glared, while others had a look of pity in their brief gaze before hurrying off to do whatever they are doing, but most just ignore me. Either they don't notice or just don't care, not much different than it is back home really. It makes me wonder if they think I'm a beggar or more likely a drunken beggar sitting in front of the bar. The thought amuses me and I can't help but snort.

I hear the door beside me swing open but I don't look up, the childish part of my mind wonders that if I don't look maybe they won't see me and just keep going. No such luck. I sit staring down at my hands in my lap, I can feel their presence hovering over me. I chance a sidelong glance and I'm surprised by a pair of dark skinned bare feet. Bluish white patterns play across the top of the bared flesh. Such a pretty design my mind wafts off and I wonder how far up these marking go.

"Hawke?"

I look up squinting, as the bright sun casts a glowing halo around the lyth Elf's head and shoulders giving him an almost angelic look. Fenris stares down at me, one dark eyebrow raised. He doesn't look at me with the disgust he had before, it seemed like an almost bemused confusion.

"Hi."

"Why are you sitting on the ground?" He asked and I can't quite tell but it sounds like he's amused at finding me here. I can't say that I blame him.

I shrug in response and his brow furrows and he kneels down, his face now level with mine. I can't help but think how beautifully alien his eyes are, so large and an enchanting shade of green.

"Are you hurt?" He questions, he really does seem bewildered on why I'm sitting here.

"No," my voice almost a whisper, this sudden wave of sadness overwhelms me and I realize that even with these people, these friends I don't know anything about. I'm still so very lost.

"Then why are you..."

"I didn't know what to do," I said softly, "I left and then I realized I have nowhere to go, nothing to do and everyone who knows me, I don't know them." I sigh another heavy sigh, "I'm at a pretty big disadvantage here."

We sit for a moment in silence, Fenris' eyes never leaving mine, his expression hard at first. Almost like what I said to him was some horrible lie. "What do you want to know?"

The question surprised me. No one has asked me that before, but I realize if I'm going to be forced to live this woman's life I need to know it all.

"Everything, I want to know everything... I need to understand."

He nods, standing up swiftly, his movements reminding me of that of a cat. "Alright then, come with me I'll tell you everything I know." His voice stern holding his hand out to me, and I take it without hesitation.

"I thought you didn't like me?" The question made him do a double take and seemed to catch him off guard.

"Why would you think that?"

"I dunno, all the yelling and calling me a demon..."

Fenris scoffs shaking his head, "You could still be a demon, I haven't decided on that yet. I do not trust mages, but I owe you a lot Hawke. The least I could do is give you the benefit of the doubt, do you not think?"

"You mean you owe Maddie a lot... I'm... well, I'm not her."

Fenris glared at me, his body tensing, hands balled at his sides, but I hold my ground even though every ounce of me is screaming at me to run away. If he is willing to give me answers to my questions, I'm going to stand here all day if that's what it takes. "We will see about that," he spoke through gritted teeth, "Lets go."

With that, he turned and stalked away leaving me to run to catch up to him. Fenris never turned back to look to see if I was following, he walked hunched over and that seemed so very strange. I found him still graceful and I wondered idly how extremely handsome he would look if he walked straight and tall. Then for some reason the way he walked reminded me of an abused animal, this thought caused a slight tightening in my chest and I quickly abolished it. Maybe that would be something to ask him about later. I have this urge to know him better, though I really want to know more about all my would be friends.

We walked for a long while, and I now kept a steady pace beside him. Twisting and turning down different streets, most people paying us no real mind other than the odd glance. Slowly everything began to change as we went, the dirty decrepit streets changed into much cleaner and well cared for buildings. Even the people changed, from poorly dressed beggars to clean and brightly dressed people, and I do mean brightly. Most of these people look like they escaped from a circus. These people stared openly at us. I'm not sure if it was because we looked like an unlikely pair; a tall tattooed elf and a dirty ragged human, yet I just ignored them as best I could. I even found some of them amusing, with their snotty noses held high in a ridiculous attempt to look rich.

"It looks like half the people around here have very large and uncomfortable sticks stuck up their asses." I said trying to break the ice somewhat. Fenris who had not said two words to me since leaving the Hanged Man, now looked over at me, a small smile tugging the corners of his mouth. Success!

"I would say that's not the only thing they have shoved up there," he murmured so low if I hadn't been walking right beside him I wouldn't even have heard it.

I mock a gasp, "Fenris, how could you say such things. I am very sure the golden stick they have shoved up there are very firmly in place, with no room for other such fuckery." I grin wickedly at him and I am rewarded with a chuckle and a small shake of his head. My fun teasing had noticeably caused us both to relax. We turn one more corner, walking across to a large building. Fenris stopped at the door staring at me blankly for a moment like he expected something from me, all though I don't know what. Shaking his head, he unlocked the door and stepped inside holding it open for me.

I'm not sure what I was expecting when I walked in, but it was not at all what I thought it would be. The place was very impressively large but also slightly run down. Stone tiles were missing from the floor, some cracked while others seemed to have disintegrated into dust. The smell was horrible. It was musty, moldy and stank of death. Most likely dead rats or mice, I thought to myself, at least I hoped. We walked into the front foyer and saw two sets of large twisting stairs curved up to the second floor. Fenris was standing beside me, staring down at me again. This was starting to become a habit of his, as if staring at me will give him all the answers to his unasked questions.

"What?"

"Nothing..." he said, slowly turning away and heading for the wide staircase. I shrugged and follow along behind him, trying to ignore the feeling like I'm being watched by ghosts or something else just as creepy.

"So you live here?" Such wonderful questions I have.

"Yes."

"A bit of a fixer upper, eh"

"It was one of my Master's old homes, and if he wishes it back he can come and try to take it from me." His tone was cold and harsh, and although I understood what he said, my brain couldn't wrap around it.

"Your... Master?" confusion colouring my voice.

Fenris turned swiftly around on the top step to glare down at me, lucky I was paying attention or I would have walked right into him. "Yes Master, do you not understand what the word Master means?" he spat making me shrink back down a few steps away from his seething stare.

"I'm sorry..." I squeaked, I felt like a child who just got scolded for something they had no idea what they did wrong. He growled, turning away but not saying anything and I watched as he stalked into the middle room. I thought maybe it would be better if I left, I obviously pissed this guy off with my very presence. It seems to be a talent of mine. Yet my need for answers got the better of me and slowly I crept my way into the room.

It took me only a moment to realize that this was a bedroom, his bedroom. This sent a cold shiver through me as I stood awkwardly in the doorway trying very hard not to look at his very large bed in the corner. It's a nicer bed then my shitty pokey straw thing. I started to wonder what he had in mind bringing me here like this, not that I'm opposed to a good romp in the hay. It's just that... this is just not what I have in mind, nor who I would really like to be romping with right now. My mind goes back to the dream, I feel my face flush and my heart skip a beat at the thought of Anders warm touch on my bare skin. The sound of Fenris clearing his throat snaps me back, realizing that I was now staring directly at the bed. Ah shit.

"Are you tired?" he asks his voice soft.

"No..no, no I'm just, thinking." I stare at him wide eyed. He is sitting on a nearby couch, a bottle of what looks like red wine in his hand.

"Alright," he spoke tersely, motioning for me to sit in the chair across from him. Relief flooded through me, I guess that was just my perverted mind running away with me again. Stiffly, I walked from the doorway and sat down in the chair fidgeting nervously with my fingers. He took a long drink from the bottle than offered it to me.

Taking the bottle in my hand, I thought how bad it must be that I'm drinking this early in the damn morning, and yet, even though I should care, I really don't. Pressing the half full bottle to my lips, I tip it back taking three large drawn out swallows, the wine is sweet with a slightly bitter undertone. It's good and I can already feel the warmth of it spreading out from my stomach. I really needed this.

Fenris smirked at me as I took one more quick mouthful before giving it back to him. "Thirsty?" he chuckled taking the bottle and taking another small swig from it.

"Yeah, more than I thought I was, even though it's not even noon. Guess that doesn't say much about me huh?" I smile weakly, the warm feeling now reaching my head, making it feel slightly fuzzy.

He shrugged, leaning back, crossing his legs, "I think after the last few days you've had, you would need it."

"That's for sure."

"What is it you want to know?"

"You just cut right to the chase, don't you?"

"Would you rather we waste the day talking about nonsense?"

"No, I just... nothing... never mind, I do have questions. Carver told me somethings, but I don't know how true they are and not everything I think I should know."

"I can only tell you what I know, you'll have to ask the others for the rest. I would think that if you asked everyone you would get at least most the answers you're looking for."

"Maybe." My mind goes blank, I had question lost of them but now faced with someone who was willing to tell me I can't think. "Tell me about yourself."

He stiffened. I don't think he expected me to outright ask, but honestly how could I not for one I've never seen an Elf before and now they are pretty much everywhere. Also I noticed he's taller than most the Elves I've seen walking around, even little adorable Merrill, he is much taller than her plus the markings and his talk of a Master. Who wouldn't want to know.

"Why me?" his tone sharp, his eyes narrowed on me making me feel two feet tall. Shit.

"I dunno, you seem interesting and you always seems so pissed off about everything. I just want to know more about you, you don't have to tell me."

"No I don't, but if you really want to know I'll tell you what I remember."

"Remember?"

Fenris looked annoyed with me so I sat back I let him talk. No more questions I told myself, he had a story to tell and I wanted to know more about these people, Maddie Hawke knew and called friends. Lifting a hand up to his face he stared blankly at it, looking closely at the intricate tattoos that snaked up his arm. "It is these markings, they are a curse," he spat, "forced on me by my Master, burned into my skin and with them my memory taken with as well."

I gasped "You too? You've lost your memories too?" and just like that I felt a sudden connection to this man, er, Elf. Maybe that's why he was willing to wait to see if I was all demony, because he knows what it's like to lose it all.

"I cannot remember anything before the markings, I have no past beyond being a slave to my Master. I only remember what came after."

"You can't remember anything, like me?" my voice sounded so small, my stomach turned, feeling warm and heavy.

"So it would seem." his tone was soft as was his expression, I'm not sure if he was taking pity on me or if it was the painful memories I was forcing him to relive.

"We are alike then, in that way."

"No, my memories were stripped from me because of these," he said still staring at the marks on his arm. "You are different, you are Perdtius."

"Perdtius?" The word sounded familiar, but the understanding was just out of reach of my mind, not english, I learned some of it in school I was sure of it. "I don't understand."

Fenris eyes were now fixed on mine again, his expression unreadable it sent a chill down my spine. "It's Tevinter, it means the lost one."

* * *

><p>AN: Thank you all so very much for the Reviews and Alerts, your support is so wonderful. I know this chapter was a bit on the short side and perhaps slightly boring, but it indeed was a much needed interaction. Updates are still slower than I would like but I have just bought a new laptop so hopefully that will change.

To those who did not know that name Pertius in Latin for Lost One, I felt like the name fit Maddie perfectly.


	10. A Spoonful of Wine

Everything's so blurry, very blurry. I think, oh, Fenris' hair is such a lovely shade of white. I grin at this. Wait, white isn't shade is it? A tone? No, a hue, that's not right. My mind mulls this thought over, trying to remember what I learned in school about such things, but the thought once again eludes me. The sound of Fenris' voice had become a small droning noise in the back of my mind, as I tried to recall the memories that tugged like an itch you can't scratch. I know they are there, it's like something that you have no doubt you know, but you can't quite recall it. Just out of reach. Damn it, this is frustrating.

"Hawke, you don't look so well." His voice snaps me out of my frustrating thoughts.

"Huh?"

"You look flush, and you haven't been listening to a word I've said for some time now."

"Your hair is pretty, like snow, I like snow." I find this rather amusing, Fenris, not so much. He just sighs and shook his head. I watch as his very pretty hair wafts from side to side as he does this. It looks so soft, I just want to run my fingers through it. Pretty, pretty hair.

"You're drunk."

"Who me? Never," I grin again, I'm very amusing. I know this because that little voice in my head told me so. It also told me after the first bottle of wine I should stop, but to hell with you little voice. I deserve this, after everything I have been through, I have every right to have a drink or twelve. I may not have drank twelve, but if I want to drink twelve; I will drink it, and no little voice that sounds oddly like Peter Griffin is going to tell me what and when I should do things.

"You are definitely are not the same Hawke, she could even drink Varric under the table." He looked at me with his beautiful green eyes, that could see right through me. Maybe I am a little drunk, I ponder this as I take another large mouthful of wine. This stuff is amazing.

"You hide Dwarves under your table? That's kinda mean." My voice slurred as my mind pictures Varric sitting under a table, a giant bottle of wine twice his size between his short legs. The picture makes makes me giggle, causing Fenris to give me a really dirty look.

"You've had enough, I should take you home. If I had known you had such a low tolerance I wouldn't have stopped you much sooner."

"I don't want to go home," I pout clutching the bottle to my chest. "There's a woman who say's she's my mother who tries to feed me biscuits that are as hard as rocks taste like dirt, and a old man who smells like rotten fish and old cabbage, and who is really, really mean. And my so called Brother who likes to wake me from really good dreams by scaring the living shit out of me!" my voice cracks and I try and failed to stagger to my feet. The room spun around as I try to stay upright. I moved forward a step my legs felt like rubber then buckled. Tradorius legs!

Fenris is beside me in a flash in an attempt to steady me, and it's not working too well. I try to focus on his face and it's hazy.

"Oh, you're like ninja. It's like one moment you're over there than POOF, you're here." I begin to sway and Fenris tighten his grip on my arm. He growls at me, such a sexy sound. I notice he does that a lot. I'm sure he does it during sex too, oh that thought is hot. This makes me smile like a fool, and he frowns at me, another thing I notice he does a lot. I realized at some point from when we came in till now he had changed his clothes, when did this happen? Not that I'm complaining, he looks good out of that spiky thing he was wearing before. Now he looks comfortable and the thoughts of him changing made my grin even wider, and I think I maybe drooling a little.

"Why are you smiling like that?"

"I see you naked."

"You WHAT?"

His reaction startles me and now my brain is in hyper drive. "No, no, not really naked, I was just thinking, of you...naked, and growling. I mean when you growl like that, it made me think of you in bed...naked. You know without all the spikey armor, and...Oh god, I'm so sorry." I cover my mouth with both my hands, but the words just didn't stop I start to mumble, please make me stop. "When I drink I ramble, it's like if I think it I say it, and I was thinking that you're really very sexy naked. I-I can't help it, I just...You with the sexy, sexy voice, and the growling, it's such a turn on really. Did I ever tell you that you have a sexy voice? Because you do really. I'm never going to be able to look you in the eye ever again, you know that right."

I know I'm making things worse because the more I talk, but the words they just keep coming, and he's just staring at me. I don't know if he's stunned, or flattered, or pissed because right now I can't stop talking and he's just staring at me with those eyes, and that pretty hair. Please someone save me from this drunken stupor. And still words they just keep coming, I don't even know what I'm saying anymore, why can't I stop. Next thing I know I'm in the air, and not in a _'I'm pissed off, rawr, throw you across the room,'_ sort of thing, more of a pick me up and put me over you shoulder sort of thing.

That's what he did, he did not say another word. Fenris just picked me up, and now I'm dangling upside down over his shoulder. As he headed out of his room and down the stairs grunting with every step, as he slowly makes his way down towards the front door and I'm completely helpless to stop him.

"Fenris," I gasp his shoulder digging into my stomach. "Put me down."

"No."

"Please..."

"I'm taking you home."

" I can walk," I can feel my stomach start to roll with every jaring step, this is not good.

"After what I just witnessed, I highly doubt that," he pants only making halfway down the stairs before pausing. "You're much heavier than you look Hawke."

"Are you calling me fat!"

"I-No I'm not calling you fat...I said you're heavy."

"Liar you so are, you liar face, now put me down, I can walk!" I've had enough of being treated like this drunk or not I'm not going to let him.

"Hawke stop squirming."

"DOWN NOW!"

There's a loud pounding in my ears, no, it was the front door and that brought out one-sided argument short. I would have said someone was knocking, but it was more like kicking, or punching. It's really hard to tell with the echo and lack of furniture in this place. Fenris growled and swore and still refused to put me down, the ass. So I had to watch his rear upside down, as he finished his descent down the long stair case. I thought about slapping his ass, but most likely that would lead to me landing on my head. No more head trauma thank you very much.

His breathing was more normal now, and it was more like he marched his way to the front door. A rush of fresh warm air swished around me when the door flew open. I didn't realize how stale this place was, even though the air was warm it was still better than the moldy smell of Fenris' home.

"What do you want?"

"So she is with you."

"ANDERS!" I squeal hearing his voice, but I'm not able to see him, as I dangled helplessly over Fenris' shoulder. I started to squirm again, as my head is now pounding in my ears and my stomach isn't liking the mix of wine, and being hauled around like a sack of potatoes.

"What are you doing to her?"

"I'm taking her home."

"Over your shoulder?" Anders voice sounded very disapproving of this, and I agree as I'm feeling like I'm about to upchuck down Fenris' back.

"She's drunk."

"Drunk, you got her drunk, it's hardly even afternoon."

"I'm not drunk!" I hiccuped my stomach rolled again. I can't hang around like this for much longer, so I fight and start to kick my feet, and Fenris grabs my ankles holding them tightly.

"She is drunk, and had I known she could not handle it, I would have put a stop to it sooner."

"Well so much for training today, she can't go out like this. She could hurt someone."

"I' .drunk." It's a lie but I don't feel as drunk at the moment, I just want down before...

"Oh really, then you really do wish to see me naked?"

"She what, you what!" Ander sounds completely flabbergasted, and if the blood hadn't already rushed to my face. I would likely be fifty shades of red.

"Yes, it would seem she likes to talk when she's been drinking."

"Down...please." I whimper my eyes started to water, and I feel as if I'm going to pass out with all the blood that has rushed to my head.

"You heard her Fenris, I'll make sure she gets home."

Fenris didn't like that it seemed, his whole body tensed under me and for a moment. I thought he was going to just drop or throw me onto the ground, but a moment later it seemed the whole world was spinning again, and my feet were very unsteadily on the floor.

"Fine, you take her then." Fenris snarled and it wasn't an attractive sound. I felt guilty, here he offered his help to me and I go off and sloshed. Smooth move dumbass.

I staggered trying to feel my feet, and stumbled right into Anders. My head spun from the rush of blood that left my head. He grabbed hold of my shoulders and held me steady, but it wasn't enough. My knees buckled and I slipped through his grasp, falling to my hands and knees. Violently I heaved all the contents of my stomach. Of course that was nothing but a few bottles worth of red wine, that now sprayed all over Anders boots, the smell was rancid.

"Ugh, Maddie!" Anders crooked and jumped back to try and save as much of his boots as possible. I could hear an echo of Fenris' laughter; I wouldn't be surprised if he had went back up to his room to drink more of that evil devil wine, that I have now decorated all over his floor. The smell of vomit and stale wine invaded my nostrils, and started me heaving again. From the corner of my eye I could see Anders kneel down beside me, as he pulled my hair back away from my face so gently, holding in a loose ponytail. Part of me was grateful to have him there. Another was horrified that he seen me like this, why did I have to do this? Why, why, why and in Fenris' house, I'm such an drunken ass.

"Easy Maddie, it's okay, slow deep breaths," his voice was so sweet, my throat burned and tears streamed down my face. I was sobbing and couldn't stop, the dry heaves was making my chest hurt. Anders free hand pressed lightly on my upper back, he moved it slowly in small gentle circles. I did my best to focus on the feel of his hand, as I waited for the need to vomit anymore had passed. "Are you alright?" He questioned again and I realized that from the moment he first spoke to me his voice soothed me.

I let out a small whimper in response, he chuckled and squeezed my shoulder before helping me to my very wobbly feet. "Come on, lets get you cleaned up. We need to get lots of water into you."

"Can't you just use magic to make this go away?" I asked my voice is raspy and is so sore it hurts to swallow.

"I could, but I'm not going to." he smirked at me putting his arm around my waist, letting me lean to him. Anders lead me out the door of Fenris' place leaving the door wide open, and nothing even bothered to take care of the mess I left in my wake.

"The mess?" I crooked weakly trying to pull him back towards the door, I couldn't very well leave it like that.

"It looks good on him, make him clean it up. He shouldn't have let you drink like that in the first place," Anders scolded me leading me back towards the road. We started moving slowly down the semi crowded street. I was still slightly drunk but thankfully the heavy puking fest seemed to clear my head up some, but not nearly enough.

"Why won't you help me?" I ask looking up at him with the biggest puppy eyes I can muster, my head was still a bit foggy, but that only success was to make him snicker at me.

"Justice doesn't want me to, he thinks you'll learn a lesson from this."

"So Justice enjoys seeing me suffer?" I pouted and that stopped Anders short causing me to lurch forward almost falling to the ground, but Anders quickly steadied me.

"No, that's not it at all...It's just that, he doesn't approve of drinking. He thinks you've just inflicted this on yourself, and if I help you that I'm just setting you up to do it again."

"He's awfully bossy for someone stuck inside your head," I grumble.

Anders shrugged as we start moving again, "I've gotten use to it, it has taken awhile."

"So you do whatever he says then?"

"Uh, not always. Sometimes it's just easier to go along with him."

"Does he speak to you, like, in your head. Can you reason with him about things?"

"It doesn't work like that, I can feel what he feels. His thoughts are mine, and mine his. It's hard to explain."

Suddenly I find myself feeling bad for both of them. Two minds in conflict with each other, one always has to the final choice, and for some reason I have a feeling that isn't always Anders that comes out on top. "How do you tell where you start and he ends, this has to be hard to keep track of whose thoughts are whomes?" This sounds like a dangerous mix, two minds in one body, one influencing the other. Only the strongest survives. Sounds like a epic movie, but it's Anders life. If I hadn't seen what I have up to this point, I would have just thought this man was schizophrenic, that of course went out the window with the glowing eyes and body.

"Sometimes I can't, it use to be easy. The longer we've been together the harder it becomes on some things."

We stop talking after this, Anders' arm is around my waist holding me close so I won't go toppling over. Honestly I don't need it anymore, I think after the massive upchuck my head isn't nearly as foggy, and other than a pounding headache, I'm pretty well off and only a little drunk more like buzzed. Still I like having him close despite the constant awkward things that keep happening between us. I'm not sure if it's that he always seems to be there when I need him the most or that we just click, but even if we only ever have moments like this. I will be a very happy girl.

"Anders?"

"Hawke?"

"When we get back and I get cleaned up do you think we could try some training?" I could see him look at me from the corner of his eye and he smiled, just a small one but one that I've only ever really seen him do when we're alone together.

"Do you think you're sober enough to?"

"Maybe, maybe not. If you don't think it's a good idea..."

"How about we get you home and cleaned up, then we'll go from there."

"Okay, sounds good," I said laying my head on his shoulder, I half expected him to protest or pull away but instead he just slightly loosened his grip on my waist and left his hand rested on my hip. We walked somewhat steady the rest of the way back.

* * *

><p>AN: Big thanks to all of you who have read and reviewed, it really is mind blowing that so many love Maddies story thus far. This chapter hasn't been Betaed at this time, so any errors that I've missed I apologise in advance. Thank you all again so much. Also most have you have likely noticed the author name change, this from Bonkzy to The Lilacgirl this chance is because I felt I wanted a name to reflect more of who I am. I hope this didn't cause too much confusion.


	11. The Boobie Stick

"Why are you giving me a giant stick with a naked woman on it?" I stare blankly at the very detailed, very busty carved figure at the end of the long pole that my mother held out to me.

"It was your father's dear, don't you remember?" My mother asked as she tried to push the long wooden staff into my hands. This makes me really wonder about this woman's gift giving abilities.

"Mother, I've told you, Maddie doesn't have any memories of father or any of us," Carver huffed and rolled his eyes. He was becoming as frustrated with this woman as I was.

It seemed like from the moment Anders had brought me home from my drunken stupor, she had been shoving some old family, something or other into my face to try and _'jog'_ my memory. Anders had agreed to stick around while I cleaned up and got ready for my training, but my _'mother_' had other plans.

"Don't be silly Carver, she just needs to see and be around things that are familiar. She couldn't have forgotten everything," she scolded Carver and continued to hold out the stick to me.

"Uh, why do I want this?" I questioned as I'm really not sure if I want the naked woman on a stick, and I don't think I want to know why it was my fathers.

"It's not a stick Hawke, it's a stave, it's a mage weapon. You'll need one to help channel your magic." Anders said looking thoroughly amused as he sat in a chair by my bedroom door with Mutt snoring softly at his feet. I would have thought the sight an adorable thing if this wasn't so incredibly uncomfortable.

"If I need it why does it have to be this one?" I really, really don't want to take the naked boobie stick that belonged to my father.

"Because yours was broken beyond repair when you... fell." Anders smiled weakly and I felt my stomach bottom out. That really must have been some fall. Out of morbid curiosity part of me wants to see where it happened yet another part of me not so much.

"Can't I just buy a new one?" I say trying not to stare at the very large boobs that stared back at me.

"Hawke there's nothing wrong with that staff. In fact it's better than any other you'll find for-sale in Lowtown for what you could afford," Anders said as he stood from the chair and stepping carefully over Mutt to stand beside me. "It shouldn't matter what's carved into it. Just take it then we can go and start your training," he murmured.

"Who the hell comes up with the names in the city anyway? Lowtown, Hightown, Darktown really? couldn't they think up something original like. Slumville, Snotnosed Noble street, and Reallydownonmyluck Road." Carver snorted but Anders just rolled his eyes unfazed by my very deliberate witty change of subject.

"Just take the staff Hawke, we need to go. We've wasted most of the day as it is."

"Alright, alright geez, don't get your panties in a bunch," I grumbled.

"Margaret, Leandra, Hawke! You do not speak to people like that. Especially those who care about you, and who are only trying to help you. It is rude and I raised you better than that," my mother snapped at me like I'm a five year old who just let loose a string of curse words. Carver yet again burst out into a fit of laughter, and even Anders was trying very hard not to laugh. All I could do is stare gaping with my mouth open. Well at least I know what my full name is now. She shoves the staff into my hand scowling at me, and I gingerly take it from her. I'm half expecting her to bash me over the head with it, but she just smiles at me like I've done the greatest thing in the world.

"Thanks Mom," I murmur and she grabbed me hugging me tightly. Holy mood swings.

"You're welcome darling, do take good care of it. There is so little of your father left, and he loved that staff he made it himself."

I dare to look closer at the naked lady. The very busty yet strikingly well carved woman. My father had talent, but I also take note of the detailed arched half ring that enclosed around the figure that looked almost like a pitchfork to be honest, with the end curving into two very sharp points, maybe I'll just start stabbing people who piss me off. The thought makes me smirk, and I start to wonder if boobie lady is dety of some sort. It would make carrying it a lot less creepy if it was, it's not as bad as I first thought it was really.

"Is this suppose to be some religious figure?" I asked Carver thoughtfully.

Carver snickered, "No, that's supposed to be Mother."

"Ah!" I squeak and the staff clattered loudly to the ground, and Carver starts laughing again. I'm glad he finds my distress so funny, and even Anders is chuckling, my mother looks horrified. The dog just stares up at me like I have something for him to eat. I can't help but wonder when did I become the butt of everyone's jokes.

"Not funny." I glare down at the staff as it taunts me. I know its not but it sure as hell feels like it.

"It's not going to jump up and bite you Hawke. It really doesn't matter what's carved into it." I glare at Anders, he's making me seem like I'm being childish about this whole thing, but I really don't think that I am.

"Would you say the same if your stick had your naked mother on top of it?" I grumble and this stopped his laughing at me, and I watched as he turned bright scarlet, not saying a word in response. Ah-ha, see I'm not being completely unreasonable.

Yet, I know he's right, I need to be an adult about this. I sigh picking up the staff, I was just starting to come to terms with naked lady, and now I have to try very hard to pretend that is not my mother in all her naked glory. As I look over at her and she's smiling so brightly at me I can't help but feel so guilty about the whole ordeal. I force a smile back at her then stand kind of awkwardly, as everyone just kind of stares at me for a moment. The silence is deafening. What am I supposed to do now break out in song and dance?

"We should go," I said looking at Anders pleadingly to get me away from this very uncomfortable moment.

"I'm coming with you," Carver said crossing his arms at his chest, he looks at me like he's just waiting for me to argue.

"You don't have too..."

"Yes I do, last time you left the city with him," he motioned to Anders with a slight of his head, "you came back half dead and mindless."

"I'm not mindless," I scoff. Do I really come off as stupid to these people?

"You know what I mean Maddie, I'm not risking it."

Anders looks very pissed off and I can't say that I blame him, it's not his fault that I fell it's not like he pushed me. At least I hope he didn't, but I do see Carvers point as well.

"Your Brother is right dear, you've been through so much the last few days, he should go with you."

How wonderful that everyone seems to have this sudden great concern for me. Again. I stare at Anders looking for some hint as to what I should say. His expression softened and he nods at me.

"Alright..." I mudder, "But no more making fun of me. I mean it Carver." I can tell he's trying not to laugh now. I roll my eyes at him and head for the door, pulling it open.

Fenris stood on the other side of the door. I scream. Well it was more like a screech and my staff clatters to the ground. Again. I hear Carver behind me laughing. Again. Fenris just stood there his expression changed from surprised to... well pissed off, as he stared first at me then down to the ground at my newly aquired naked lady stick.

"There you go being all Ninja again," I gasp quickly picking up the staff and trying to hide it behind my back. Trying not to look like an idiot and failing.

"So you've said," Fenris spoke with a sarcastic tone. "I figured the Abomination would try and take you out of the city to train you. I... do not feel you should go without some sort of back-up." This took me a bit by surprise. Although Fenris may have looked upset, his eyes gave him away. I could tell he's worried. I'm getting better at reading his expressions, but now I really felt bad for leaving him before when I was drunk. The fuzzy memory still fresh in my mind, my head was still slightly swimming from the after effect of the wine. At least he's stopped thinking I'm a demon. I hope.

Carefully I look from at each of these men who seem to think I need protecting from myself, and I realized that they really do care what happens to me. I need to stop thinking of these people as my keepers, and more like hunky, adorable brooding bodyguards that keep me from doing stupid things. Like get drunk and vomit all over people's feet, and set fire to things or something. It better than the alternative alone in a strange place, that thought is down right scary.

"Fine, lets go then," I sigh and gently push past Fenris, feeling slightly claustrophobic in that small house with all those people crammed in there.

I keep walking down the street not knowing where the hell I'm going, but I can hear their foot falls close behind me. I can't help but smile and think that this Hawke woman, whoever she was, or is, has no clue how lucky she was to have such people as these in her life. I may not know them well, yet but from what I can see she's really lost out on an amazing group of people and family. She has taken full advantage of and treated them all so poorly. Yet they they would follow her to hell and back.

I wonder if they even have hell here? Or heaven for that matter. More questions always with the questions, they are going to be so sick of me. Reality of this is that I have no choice or say in this, I'm here for better or worse and at least I'm not alone. So why not make the most of it. right? So I will do just that. I will make the most of this and I'm sure as hell not going to let my family and friends live in a shit hole for the rest of their lives. So for now I'm going to learn magic, as instantly stupid as it sounds. I can call myself Merlin or Gandalf but much better looking and not old. Wait, I don't even know how I look, oh lord, I will need to fix that somehow...maybe I'm some ugly twisted freak.

"Hawke?" Anders spoke softly as he began to walk beside me. "Where are you going?"

"I, uh..."

"That's what I thought," he chuckled. "Follow me, I know a safe place where we shouldn't have any Templars bothering us," he grinned at me and at that point, I think if he said 'Hey lets go skinny dipping in a pond of crocodiles,' I would do it gladly and it with a smile on my face. That man has some strange affect on me. So I follow him to god knows where to do magic. I am still having a hard time with that, but at least I'm doing it with a smile on my face.

* * *

><p>AN: I know this is a shortish chapter but I thought the ending was the best spot for now. Things have seemed to died off a lot as of late, I'm not sure if everyone has lost interest in this story because of the slow updates. I am sorry for that, life tends to be pretty crazy and it's hard to write as much as I would like too, or if its summer or what. I will try and keep up a regular update for those who still follow this. Also this chapter is also un betaed, so please don't mind the errors I have missed.

I would still love to hear everyone's thoughts on the story so far, I love writing it and I really have some surprises coming up for this in the near future. Reviews help a lot, it's nice to hear from those who still read. I love you all and thank you so much for your support.


End file.
